Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Paranoid

Today Mia decided to take one of those forever naps which she never takes. Finally after cleaning for awhile, I got this sick feeling in my gut that something was wrong. I wanted to puke. I thought about it and she'd been sleeping for like 2 hours. I went to our bedroom and peeked in on her looking for movement. I didn't see anything at ALL and I stood there for like a minute just waiting. I think my heart just about jumped out of my chest, it was hard to breathe and I was shaking like a leaf. I walked quickly over to the bed and with her eyes closed, still asleep she smiled just a bit. Shhew!

It's been a whole 3 years now since I miscarried our 3rd baby and I am still as paranoid as ever about miscarriages, stillborns, and SIDS. Is it weird that I still think about that day atleast 2-3 times a week? I relive it so freakin often in my mind and I wonder if that's normal. I couldn't enjoy Damien and Mia's pregnancies at all and then with the early loss I had in March, I feel all that anxiousness again like something is going to happen. I just can't seem to relax. Even when someone gets hurt around here bumping their head on the tile, smashing their fingers in the door, I about jump out of my skin with fear. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with how freaked out I get. I hardly let anyone take the kids, I do all the driving of them to places, I have friends come over instead of letting them go to their friend's houses. Is this obsessive?

2 comments:

pipsylou said...

Yes, it's obsessive. I'm that way and I have OCD. Is there someone you can go and see? A small amount of fear is normal...but I guess what you have to ask yourself is this: "Is this fear hindering my happiness? Is it keeping me from enjoying life?"

For me, that answer was a "yes". So I decided to get some help.

pipsylou said...

And now I'M paranoid. Asher has been asleep for 3.5 hours.