Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Here We Go Again :(

Since having Sophia we've kind of withdrew ourselves from a few activities but are trying to get back into everything, especially with church. We haven't helped with Awana since having her but we are back to going on Wednesdays, we just listen to our Pastor while the kids are having fun in the nursery and Awana. Sophie stays with us. lol

Our church had been preparing to do the whole Starting Point program (by Andy Stanley) and was asking everyone to think of enrolling. Since Dave sounded interested when I asked him about it we went ahead and signed up for it. There's like 7 of us in our group so pretty small and the host's wife is in our playgroup so that's nice that I already knew someone. We had our first meeting on Sunday on Chapter 1. We started with introductions and a question you would ask God. Mine was Why do you need to prune us?!?! Dave didn't have anything. Host wanted to ask Will we have more kids!? But as the night went on and we started answering questions from the first chapter, I realized I am so far out of touch with Dave, I don't know what the heck is going on anymore. I realize that going into this over a year and a half ago with me he wasn't really a believer but he's the one that pushed me that I should go back and he'd come with me. He wasn't raised in a church like I was, he had no spiritual upbringing as a child. I guess I should have looked over the material alittle better about what this was before jumping into it. His answers threw me so far through a loop. I am just sick about the whole deal. My chest hurts I ache from this whole deal. I keep crying when he's not around. I don't know what to do.

A brief "brutally honest" (as he said) summary of the night would be God has played no role in his life. He doubts God's existance because of his beliefs on Evolution and awful things that happen to people. His example? Our miscarriage. He just can't see how God could do that to a person. He has never felt God's existence or presence ever in his life.

If your a Christian, you can see why this is killing me. A year and a half! I feel completely sad that I had no idea that's how he's felt and that I hadn't tried to say or point out anything to help him understand, believe, know our heavenly father. We sit there at chuch twice a week and I never knew. He's never said anything at home to make me believe he didn't. I had to butt in when he brought up our miscarriage. First I didn't want him to breakdown, the pain 5 years later is still that great, but I took over saying that was where that pruning comes in that I as a Christian hate so much. lol The growth from that experience was that our relationship grew in ways you can't explain unless you've had a loss that great. The connection I felt to him after that was massive and for him to tell me over and over and cry that he wanted to try again for another baby??? THAT friends was a miracle and only one great God performs those! And then I did get pregnant again, with Damien, our miracle.

So now what do I do? I'm so lost. I am sure he wants to believe and I just need to get him there.


kbreints said...

oh my goodness... I can see how you would be feeling so lost.. to not know that is how he felt!

We do not go to church as often as we should, but to me if ever there was a 'doubt' all I had to do was look at my children.

Mama Kalila said...

I am so sorry... I'll be praying for you

Haley said...

I am so sorry Sabrina, I will be praying for you both.

Pipsylou said...

about the miscarriage - I would counter with, "If you are going to blame God for the miscarriage, then who is responsible for our 5 other beautiful children?! FIVE! Perfectly healthy and normal.

The thing I have found with many people is that they want to blame God for the bad, but they don't want to acknowledge him for the good. I am like that SO many times.

Sabrina - this doesn't mean much. I have days like this, too...or weeks, or months, where I have trouble beliving in a good God, or even any God at all...

I'd recommend "letters from a skeptic..." does he like reading?

and also, PRAY for him! Sounds like he is going through alot. Nothing more powerful than a praying wife!

This is so normal in a marriage. you are not alone! Not at all!

Sara said...

Hey there,

I know I've been a stinky bloggy friend because I can't seem to find time to comment anymore, but I keep up with you constantly!

First, wanted to say I love the thumb sucking pictures. I was a thumb sucker, and I think thumb suckers are the cutest EVER!

As for the thing with Dave, I wanted to offer some encouragement. It is amazing (and awful) that this is the first you are hearing from Dave about all his doubts about God. BUT, the fact that he is confiding his doubts to you means that God is working on his heart.

Your pastor's wife is right: your role is to support your husband in his search for God, and to pray, pray, PRAY for him. Never lose hope. Your own desire to go back to church and bring your children up under God's plan has shown him amazing things, whether or not he can articulate that, or whether or not he fully realizes it.

I am so glad that he has been supportive of you in that way, and open to attending church as a family. But my heart aches for you. I can only imagine the fear that strikes in your heart--knowing that you and your husband are not on the same page (and barely in the same book) spiritually.

But like I said at the beginning of this long, drawn-out comment, (hehe): I really believe God is working in Dave's heart right now, and the best thing you can do is pray for him.


Jess said...

Sabrina, I am married to an agnostic man and I have bounced around a bit spiritually myself before finding truth in Christianity, specifically Catholicism (I am in the process of converting).

I think you actually have a few things going for you in your marriage that many spiritual people do not have - Dave supports you and your children's involvement in church. He is attending church and even a study circle with you. He accepts the moral teachings of your church (presumably). Hey, this is a very big deal! And to be frank, from where I sit this is something to be thankful for, not crying over.

People grow and develop spiritually in different ways on different time tables. He has a better chance of learning and falling in love with Christianity because he is present and participating. Just pray and ask God for help.

Julie said...

Thanks so much for sharing your heart. Your hubby is embarking on a scary journey called "faith" and he needs a ton of support and prayer. Accept and love him right where he is and continue to be the example of Christ that you want him to fall in love with. I would recommend a book called "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" It really helped me deal with the pain and questions from our miscarriage last year.