Since having Sophia we've kind of withdrew ourselves from a few activities but are trying to get back into everything, especially with church. We haven't helped with Awana since having her but we are back to going on Wednesdays, we just listen to our Pastor while the kids are having fun in the nursery and Awana. Sophie stays with us. lol
Our church had been preparing to do the whole Starting Point program (by Andy Stanley) and was asking everyone to think of enrolling. Since Dave sounded interested when I asked him about it we went ahead and signed up for it. There's like 7 of us in our group so pretty small and the host's wife is in our playgroup so that's nice that I already knew someone. We had our first meeting on Sunday on Chapter 1. We started with introductions and a question you would ask God. Mine was Why do you need to prune us?!?! Dave didn't have anything. Host wanted to ask Will we have more kids!? But as the night went on and we started answering questions from the first chapter, I realized I am so far out of touch with Dave, I don't know what the heck is going on anymore. I realize that going into this over a year and a half ago with me he wasn't really a believer but he's the one that pushed me that I should go back and he'd come with me. He wasn't raised in a church like I was, he had no spiritual upbringing as a child. I guess I should have looked over the material alittle better about what this was before jumping into it. His answers threw me so far through a loop. I am just sick about the whole deal. My chest hurts I ache from this whole deal. I keep crying when he's not around. I don't know what to do.
A brief "brutally honest" (as he said) summary of the night would be God has played no role in his life. He doubts God's existance because of his beliefs on Evolution and awful things that happen to people. His example? Our miscarriage. He just can't see how God could do that to a person. He has never felt God's existence or presence ever in his life.
If your a Christian, you can see why this is killing me. A year and a half! I feel completely sad that I had no idea that's how he's felt and that I hadn't tried to say or point out anything to help him understand, believe, know our heavenly father. We sit there at chuch twice a week and I never knew. He's never said anything at home to make me believe he didn't. I had to butt in when he brought up our miscarriage. First I didn't want him to breakdown, the pain 5 years later is still that great, but I took over saying that was where that pruning comes in that I as a Christian hate so much. lol The growth from that experience was that our relationship grew in ways you can't explain unless you've had a loss that great. The connection I felt to him after that was massive and for him to tell me over and over and cry that he wanted to try again for another baby??? THAT friends was a miracle and only one great God performs those! And then I did get pregnant again, with Damien, our miracle.
So now what do I do? I'm so lost. I am sure he wants to believe and I just need to get him there.