Friday, March 11, 2005

One Year Ago Today on 3-11-2004

I'm so extremely happy that we have this little bambino in my belly but everyday I think of what could have been with our little angel. I think about if it was a boy or girl, what he or she would have looked like, how it would have been having 2 kids less than 2 yrs apart, how active would he or she been, etc. The baby we should have would have been 4 months now.

Finding out I was pregnant with my angel was a big shock. Here it took 18 cycles to get pregnant with Dominic and then after about 8 cycles I was pregnant again. We weren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant but figured if it happened it happened. I took a 2nd test a week later and it was positive too so I knew I was pregnant for sure then got into my dr. The dr's office was very supportive and happy for us that we were having another but I was more worried about when my C-section date would be, how it was going to be with 3 kids, and a bunch of other stupid nonsense. I thought the pregnancy would be just like the others, pretty routine with not much to worry about. The first few weeks I felt pretty normal then started getting abit of morning sickness until it just dropped off out of nowhere. I figured that'd never happened before but didn't think much of it. Then I started feeling pretty normal like I wasn't even pregnant but I didn't want to keep calling the dr's office like a pyscho telling them I didn't think something was right. It got to a point over the weeks when I was asked about the pregnancy I would just say I felt great and move on to the next subject because I was just sensing something wasn't normal about this pregnancy. I felt a bit too "normal" to be pregnant. No throwing up, no hormones running wild, no increased peeing, no hunger attacks, something wasn't right.

I found out I was pregnant at about 4 weeks, went to the dr at 6 weeks and did bloodwork and then was going to go back at 12 weeks since my pregnancies had been pretty uneventful. At 11 weeks though, I noticed this brown gunky discharge and knew right then and there that this baby probably wasn't around anymore. I'd NEVER discharged, bled, any of that when pregnant. It started on friday April 16th,2004. It continued that way till Monday the 19th then it turned red and got thicker. I called the dr's office and went in for a sono with Dave to find out the news I already knew. The sac was there, baby probably had already disenegrated and at this point I looked about 6 weeks pregnant instead of the 11 1/2 weeks I should have been. So about the time I started noticing the drop off of symtoms was the same time the baby stopped growing. I was crushed. I bawled and screamed while she kept searching around doing the sono and David just hovered over me hugging me.

Of course after having a miscarriage you blame yourself for everything. I'm pretty much over that phase but every once in a while "wonder" what caused it although my dr said that the chromosones just didn't work this time. Not words you want to hear. I'm so happy that I'm pregnant with our 3rd now but really just want to get the pregnancy over so I have this baby in my arms to hold and protect. You feel so vulerable with this being growing in there and you don't have anyway to protect it from harms way. I'm always freaking that something is wrong.

Today I plan to just keep busy and try not to think about it. Not that I want to forget it, I just want to keep my sanity today. I'll be watching 7 kids throughout the day and that should keep me occupied enough to not think about the lines I saw a year ago on that test. I am almost too my weekly milestone with this little guy so that is something positive to think about today. One more day till I'm 23 weeks!

1 comment:

Adam's Mom said...

As you carry your son in your belly, thoughts of your angel are bound to come up. It's such a difficult thing!
I will always remember the day I got my BFP and waiting around the hotel in Mexico for Shawn to come back. It was such a magical day. Even though things didn't work out for us, I will remember that day forever as I will remember the day when the doctor who told me there was no longer a baby in my belly.
Such events in our life mold us into who we are destined to become. Life is tough but we always make it through, don't we? Love ya sweetie! I hope tomorrow is a better day.