I hate the saying when it rains, it pours. At my house it doesn't just pour... it comes with a tornado. I feel like everything is going down hill again. I got a call tonight that Lexi (5) needs to come back tomorrow as well. So tomorrow I'll be watching 3 children plus my 3 and I just don't know if I'm ready for it yet. I can't even haul my ass out of bed because I'm so tired from taking care of our kids. My house looks as if the Tazmanian Devil has been here even though I clean it ALL THE TIME. 90% of my day is spent on this house. The ONLY way to keep it clean is to clean a room, lock the door. It's horrible.
After hearing that I'll be watching 3 kids starting tomorrow, I had another emotional breakdown. I was holding baby D in the rocker in his room rocking him to sleep and just sitting there 5,000 things that needed to be done went through my head. Not only do those 5,000 things go through my head but I hear Damien crying in my head and I'm holding him asleep in my arms. I'm going insane as I hear him cry in my head all the time now. I'm getting headaches too which is out of the norm for me. I had one so bad yesterday that I took Tylenol. To escape after I put Damien to bed I called out to Dave that I was going out to take care of the dogs outside. I didn't want him to see that I'd been crying but as soon as I came inside he knew something was up. My face always looks like a big splotchy red mess after I've been crying. He asked repeatedly what was wrong and I just told him nothing. So you know what he does?? Gets up and starts straightening the house. He can really figure me out. He knows I stress on how dirty the house is at times. I bitch about it constantly.
As for doing daycare again, Dave keeps telling me just to watch one mother's kids. It'd be $500 a month and he says that's enough but I've been watching these other two now for a year and I'd hate to just say "oh I'm not going to watch your kid anymore I'm just going to watch R's" The 5 yr old will be off to kindergarten this year so she'll just be afterschool anyways. The 2yr old is a big whiner here but I think I can handle him M-F 9-4. (sigh) So begins another day in my crazy life.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Down came the Rain
Me and Damien