Thursday, August 23, 2007

Where Do I Begin?

Well I caused quite the ruckus yesterday on a baby board. Voicing opinions is really not tolerated especially if you are the odd ball with 4 kids. Let me tell ya! :) My intent was not to stir up such controversy or attack, but really to voice, why worry about meaningless things? I wasn't trying to be judgemental or say I was better than anyone or a better parent. You know what though, maybe I was wrong for voicing what I thought on a public board. Who knows!

The subject we were speaking on was have you ever felt disconnected from your 2nd pregnancy. I voiced that with a toddler, it does seem to go quicker but I didn't feel disconnected to where I felt I didn't have motherly love. I think it drew us (Dave, Alex and I) together especially with counting down on the calender with Alex when the baby would come, feeling him kick and taking her to the appointments. But other things that were said were kind of hard for me to grasp. Crying over the wrong sex on a sono? Crying over being disappointed with twins? Growing to love a 2nd baby? It was not the original post that had me shaking me head, it was the ones that followed. I guess my way of thinking is different. I've been told in the past that our miscarriage has changed me not only as a person, but as a mother. I remember people dropping off flowers and gifts and thinking these people realize that we lost a baby, it wasn't just some "fetus" that didn't grow. I was blown away by generosity! I think I just relate better to people who've experienced the same feeling of loss in their life and then the overwhelming sense of love to follow after a loss. I'm hoping some of my miscarriage mommies read this they'll know exactly what I mean I think. I now take NOTHING for granted. I appreciate everything. I am so thankful! I believe that if you are blessed, you really shouldn't question or be disappointed in it. I can understand some fears of the unknown with being pregnant with a 2nd as far as can I do it, or will I be able to love it just as much as #1 (there is always room in our hearts to love another person or being) but worrying about what if the sex is not what you wanted and can you love it after that? I guess I just didn't know what to say! I myself would never visit a board though solely dedicated to people disappointed in a gender. And then I guess I'm just different in saying that when I found out about my pregnancies, I felt a love right then. I thought that was normal motherly instinct.. After losing our 3rd baby, I did though feel like with Damien, although I loved him, he was probably dead in there. It was the kicks when I realized he was going to be fine and I connected more to him although I still thought he'd die of a cord accident up till his birth. I was so happy with with Mia but afraid to upset Dave being so happy since she was more of a whoops! I was ready to burst but as soon as he said "wow" I was so excited to be able to share our joy.

Something that I had said yesterday that stirred the pot was Would you be disappointed over a special needs baby? I said that because I have the biggest feeling that if certain people were dealt that card, it would be the end of the world to them. Another board I frequent a woman announced awhile back that she was going to be a blessed mom to a "special baby." I was in awe at her words of how special this baby was to them. She could care less about Down Syndrome. He was beautiful (and he is!) and he was hers! It was amazing and her eloquent post brought me and the others to tears! I can say that is exactly how I would hope most would be in this World but I know that's not the case. If that was, we wouldn't have kids sitting in institutions rotting away. Even with my own son being classified as a "Special Needs" student I don't love him any less for his problems infact I think it makes me love him more! I don't know if he really has Aspergers, SID or if it's just PDD's of Autism like his teacher last year believes. I know there is something else going on there in his little mind but I hate to subject him to more tests and such just to find out. We do know he has ADHD w/ODD but that's about it. And I know I'll probably be in the Principal's office alot as he grows! lol That's ok! He's my special little guy and I love him! I do not believe shoving stimulant pills into him altering his personality is an answer. I've debated it over and over in my head if it's right or wrong (in fact I've fought myself on it) and I just don't see that as an answer. I think the school therapy and the "natural approach" we are going about works fine. I hate how people push pills as the answer to everything. It's not. We'd all be on pills for every thing if it was.


I am really sad about leaving the group, I love alot of the girls there and I wish them all well but honestly I think there's been certain people on there who's wanted me to leave for quite some time. I had told a few of the gals the past month or so that I really think that everyone thinks I'm a nut job on there for wanting more than the "norm" of kids and I was thinking they wanted me to go. I really wasn't trying to piss everyone off but when other posts started making me look like a real jackass, I just put my flame retardant suit on and voiced what I thought. I really don't believe people read my posts thoroughly (like normal) though because the responses back seemed to say completely opposite of what I said. I never said anyone was vain, I said I must be vain.


I know I have different thoughts from others. First I really don't like Bush which I'm sure people have read, I think our nation is way too dependant on other countries and we need to fix that for example outsourcing jobs. If I could, I would have loved to breastfeed for a year or two although I've only lasted 4 months at the longest with any of the kids. I think Co-sleeping is totally fine in fact I did with all 4 of mine till about 5-6 months when they started sleeping through. I don't believe in CIO (crying it out) and am quick to scoop up a child to figure out what the real problem is, I absolutely love having Mia attached to my hip or in the Snugli all the time in fact she is with me 95% of the time online! I love being a Stay at Home Mom and plan to stay that way till they are all in grade school, I think medicines are way overused in the world and believe in a more natural approach with herbs, supplements and other organic things, I think abortion is completely wrong, I would home school if I think I could do it but I'm sure I would do a horrible job (lol), We only buy organic fruits and veggies for the kids. We've been buying Tyson's antibiotic free chicken the past few months. We buy our beef from a special family grocer. I'd like to switch to Organic milk but can't at the moment due to the price since we buy so much. I'm just a different parent I guess but I think everything we do is out of love for our kids. I don't doubt anyone on the board doesn't love their kids, I just wish people would understand that some people arent as lucky as they are.

Well I've really neglected my house today by writing this post on and off for hours and hours so I'd better get on it. I hope everyone can sorta see where I'm coming from. If not I'm sorry that I made such a mess of the board. Good luck with all of your babies!

8 comments:

Lucia's Mom said...

I am with you 100%. I can't believe some people who cry over finding out the baby's sex because they wanted something different or who are so disappointed in their "birth experience" because they had to get an epidural or had a c/s. Imagine having a c/s and being wheeled out of the hospital sobbing and everyone looking away from you because your baby was already in heaven and couldn't be with you, and that it would take another miscarriage and nearly two years before having another baby in your arms, and that should put their "disappointing birth experience" in perspective. But I am also so thankful for him, the miracle of him, the time I had with him, just sad I didn't get more time.

Sabrina, some people just don't get it. They think babies are a right, not a miracle. I think we should try and explain that to them, although I doubt it will ever get through.

You can probably rejoin your board in a few weeks. Those boards turn over quite a bit and you should just give them time to simmer down. But don't expect them to be kind, the anonymity of the boards allow people's nasty sides to come through. There's a really nice "big families" board on bbc I read sometimes full of baby-adorers like us.

You're an awesome mom and you know it. Don't let them get to you.

Rhonda said...

Nicely said Sabrina. I will miss you on the board, but I know where to find you!

Adam's Mom said...

I don't like Bush either! haha

Please don't let this keep you from the board! There was a discussion about a year ago that really hurt my feelings and honestly, only you, Jess and Maddie were in the same mind set as me. At that point, I stopped posting -- I really didn't want to but I was really offended by some things that were said (if you want to know what it was about just email me. I tried to email back to you but it wouldn't go through for some reason). I just stopped posting for a while but then I realized you are all my friends and I need you in my life.

If you don't feel like coming back to the board, of course I will understand. But I for one will miss you!

Love ya!

jude said...

I will miss you I hope that this too can eventually be put to the history file.
Sorry there were comments that hurt your feelings. There are comments I ahve read that have bothered me but have alway's kept my mouth shut.
My sister died at 3 because of her special needs and I am am alway's worried that my children will have the same problems but that doesn't mean I will love them any less. I might have taken you comment wrong or maybe I shouldn't have taken it personally if it was not aimed at me. For that I am sorry.
I admire you for wanting a big family and I know from the past 3-4years that you love your children dearly. I will miss you so please keep in touch and I hope to see you back on the board.
Love and big hugs
Jude

Kristi Ann said...

Sabrina- I have always felt the bigger the better with families.
I KNOW this doesnt work for most people, but it sure was REFRESHING that someone else shared the large family "opinion"...like me. If I could afford 12....I think would have 12. Right now....we are happy with whatever the Lord provides for us. And YES....EACH child is a blessing. No matter their "special needs" or lack thereof.
I am sorry that everyone attacked you and your opinions. I thought our board was beyond that...but I guess with the hormones of everyone....it happens.
I pray you come back though...since you DO HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS that will miss you.
As long as you keep in touch, and keep me posted with pics and such...
I'll be here! After all....2 and a half years is a LONG time (internet wise)to keep friends.
Hope you keep in touch!

Kristi Ann said...

Sabrina- I have always felt the bigger the better with families.
I KNOW this doesnt work for most people, but it sure was REFRESHING that someone else shared the large family "opinion"...like me. If I could afford 12....I think would have 12. Right now....we are happy with whatever the Lord provides for us. And YES....EACH child is a blessing. No matter their "special needs" or lack thereof.
I am sorry that everyone attacked you and your opinions. I thought our board was beyond that...but I guess with the hormones of everyone....it happens.
I pray you come back though...since you DO HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS that will miss you.
As long as you keep in touch, and keep me posted with pics and such...
I'll be here! After all....2 and a half years is a LONG time (internet wise)to keep friends.
Hope you keep in touch!

Michelle said...

Ok, I must be blind, no one attacked you for your decisions and feelings. It was the afterthought comments you made. It made my stomach turn . . .

maybe this is why you all stop after two kids . . .

makes me wonder what you would do if you had a child with special needs . . .

and dare I repeat the antidepressant comment, that's just sick.

That's what bothered me, not that you loved your babies from the second they were conceived, that's awesome. Not that you have 4 kids and may want 40, I have great friends with 6+ kids and I admire their hard work, love and the way the raise such a large family. If I had it in me, I would do the same, but I am NOT a bad person because I don't want it, nor do I think you are because you do.

You were so big to jump on people for desiring one sex over the over, what difference is that from saying I don’t care, just make it healthy. Would someone love a unhealthy child any less than a healthy one? I doubt it, just as I don’t love McKenna any less because she’s a girl and I wanted a boy first. It’s odd I know, I but I never asked for a healthy baby, it didn’t matter to me, I just hoped for a boy. But no matter what I got, I knew God had handpicked my children for me, long before time and whatever He had was perfect for me. But regardless I don’t fault people for having a preference.

I have reread your posts several times because I know how things go in the heat of the moment, but I still stand by what I had issues with. We have all at times, probably me more than most, had strong opinions about something, but if we attack each other, we fail as friends. That's not the type of friends I want. Of course I was mad at first, but now I stay sad, I thought we were stronger friends than that, and I have to say in general most of us are. It really bothered me that you said you had been talking with others regarding the anti-depressants issue, I guess there is as much behind the back talking of friends on the internet as well.

Anyway, I'm over it. I'm sorry and I guess if you don't see anything wrong you've done, then you can't be sorry. After those comments, I don't know how I feel about you coming back, but if you really think those things about us, why would you want to? Not that its up to me or not.

I'm not one of the pregnant hormonal ones, I just think some of the comments were plain wrong.

Rach said...

I'm agreeing with Michelle on this one. I was so, so shocked. I think one of the most important things to teach our children is to have empathy and compassion for people different than us. I have a child who has some special needs and I am on antidepressants. So all of your statements felt like they were attacking me. You can't possibly know what it is like, so please don't make those awful comments.