Monday, May 19, 2008

Much Better Day

Thank you for listening to me whine Saturday. I hate when I have days like that. Saturday afternoon when he came home I was busy putting away toys and he kept asking if I was ok. I knew I'd looked like I'd been crying but told him my allergies were really bad so I *think* he believed that. I asked if we could do some work outside and he said he'd get to mowing. Since he had recently weed eated that didn't need done so the yard looks pretty decent. Now we just need the weed killer to get busy. There was one part where he was ready to call it good and my hormones started talking. I told him he never moves some things and just mowed around and I was tired of the yard looking like some redneck trailer trash lived at our house. He helped me move a bunch of stuff and then mowed over those areas again. lol

That evening he was really nice and thought the hot tub might do me some good so we went out there to unwind. Things were fine for about 20 minutes. I had both sets of jets on and got my back and neck pounded on for a good 15 minutes. After shutting that off and it was dead quiet (except for chattering coyotes) and I confessed looking up at the bright full moon that after I called him about when he'd be home I cried like a baby for about a hour. Then, of course, I started bawling again. He sat me on his lap in the water and he gave me the best back rub ever. I laid there with my head on his shoulder and let go. I just told him I feel like all he does is work, at home it's all about work, I felt like I have to hound him to help around the house or he's on the computer for work. I hate that he's management, I hate all the meetings, I hate his work Razr cell phone, I hate networked Microsoft Outlook at my house......I hate it all. I was sooooooo close to saying I wanted him just to quit there, find a job locally less money and we'd deal. I have thought this out. I could make $10-15K doing daycare to make up some lost money if he was to do that. But we'd lose sooo much. Free gas, free truck, huge quarterly bonuses, monthly commission, discounts to all the subsidiaries, really good insurance, profit sharing, his ability to run errands while out driving so we don't have to use our vehicle. It's a very good to us job. If they wanted Dave to work or go somewhere in the past they say pack up your family and take them. He's so good at what he's doing right now (a top service manager in his region) that he's working to hopefully win some trip to the Carribean.

Anyways, I'm not sure if things will change. I don't know if they can. I know when he is home they probably will but his schedule won't. I imagine having 2 more kids here this summer will have me feeling more stressed and lonely but I do have quite a few friends I'll see all summer at the ball games coming up and when I gather our Brownies together for a few meets through the summer I'll have my mom friends to hang out with. I love staying home and wouldn't change it for anything but I think every once in awhile I guess we just need to let off steam. I think the past month it's been in the making. I've been really uptight about the housework, about the outside of the house, about the house being so cluttered. It's just built up until I just needed to cry about it all. I think when I bring him to what my world is like and what I am feeling, he gets it.


Jess said...

Oh boy, Sabrina. I've been living your life for a very long time and I agree it isn't always easy. I know I get stressed out with my two kids, I can't imagine the workload you have with four plus one on the way.

Here's how I personally look at my situation with my husband being very committed to his job (I've caught him checking his Blackberry in the middle of the night!!!!) and now also in school for his MBA: it could be worse, he could be a bum. Now, I know that isn't a helpful really to say but the positive is that our husbands have great work ethic and want to be successful, right?!

At least in my case I knew this about Bob before I married him, I knew his father was the same and this is the standard and what is normal for his childhood home life. I do have complete emotional fits at times when I feel lonely or overwhelmed or even left behind. Hang in there, I hope things even out for you soon.

Kbreints said...

No one can blame you for needing to vent! I don't know how you do it all.. Give yourself a break and enjoy the summer....

Kristi Ann said...

Hugs sweetie!!!

I can only imagine how hard it can get with 4 when I want to drown myself sometimes with only 2. We all have moments like that and it's funny ...but for mommies, we don't have much of a choice BUT to let it build up and then the hard part is finding the right time to let it out!
YOU ARE NORMAL!~ And we are there for you as well to vent, or call (hint hint) if you need to.
Hugs to the monsters, and a HUGE hug to you!~

utmomof5 said...

SOunds like you two had a nice talk and sometimes that is all we need as women. To feel like we have been heard and understood. Things may not change alot but you know he knows how you feel. It can be hard but all he is trying to do is provide for his family as best he can. It is better than a lazy butt who won't get off the couch, right?!

Feel better soon!

Colleen said...

I know what you mean about his job, it makes the rest of your life possible, but you hate how much it takes away from your family time. I am trying to get as much done through handymen as I can while Jason is gone so that I can get all of the little house projects done while he is gone. Quality family time is not building shelves or putting up lights after a 10 hour-work day for both of us! Not to mention feeling guilty about asking him to pitch in when he is so tired! Been there! Will be there again in 4 months, lol. Glad you had a good cry, and an even better talk. Keep your chin up!