I'm Such a Shmuck!

I was a bit surprised when Daddy called at 7:00 pm last night to say he was on the highway, on his way home from his Christmas party. I expected he'd stay later than that. Since I thought he wasn't going to be home for awhile, I catered to the kids which was fun. For dinner I fixed Chocolate chip pancakes and then regular pancakes topped with Tastefully Simple Berry Berry sauce and whip cream for Alex and I. After that the kids took early showers and baths and I made some popcorn and we turned on Christmas movies. After hearing he was coming though I went ahead and put the kids to bed at 8. At this point I really didn't care anymore that he really hadn't asked me to go (just assuming I wouldn't) I was just happy he was leaving to come home to me with how crappy I felt about us.

We really didn't talk too much until we went to bed, you could tell we were both bothered. When we went to bed we just laid there for probably 30 minutes. We both had something to say but neither wanted to say it I guess you could say. I finally asked if he would move over closer and hold me which he did and then he.completely.fell.apart. Talk about feeling like SHIT! I cry all the time during the day about us so I didn't even have any tears...at first. I guess my note Wednesday at church really hurt him but not the part I thought which was about Alex. It was that trusting him was my obstacle. He was so upset I couldn't understand everything he said. So upset I felt I needed to ask if he HAD done anything he needed to tell me about, which AGAIN he says nothing has ever happened in the past. I'd just asked him a few months back about a girl in the office so this wasn't the first time. I told him I'm majorly insecure with him working so far away, I have no idea what he does over there. I've been to his office like 2 times in nearly 6 years. He hasn't done anything to where I shouldn't trust him it's just me and an issue of mine.

So I asked about the other part I wrote about Alex and he told me he didn't even read it. He told me that after reading I didn't trust him he just stared at that on the paper and didn't bother to read the rest. So of course then he wanted to know what else I wrote. So sadly I told him that after years of him telling me no about trying for a baby, when I missed the pills, instead of starting a new pack or calling the Dr, I just quit taking them, I was really hoping to get pregnant. I expected him to jump up screaming and yelling at me for being evil however he just laid there for a second and then said he would never change anything in the past. He loves her to death no matter what and it didn't matter. I do believe though he hasn't told me, that he feels terrible for the way he treated me through my pregnancy with her and maybe that's why it didn't matter. I couldn't be happy then because I felt he hated me so much that I was pregnant. Maybe he had thoughts at that time that I got pregnant on purpose, who knows. He did come to all my appointments though which he's never done that with the others. Just her. I remember both of our mom's putting on my baby shower and it was awesome because a lot of my friends I hadn't seen since highschool were there and they were all happy for us but I was hiding that he wasn't thrilled with our soon to be baby. Finally that last month he started coming around and when she was born he wouldn't put her down. :)

I think we were up until 1 am so I'm sure I'll crash later since I woke at 6:30. I hope we got everything worked out. I told him I've felt like we've just been growing apart, I feel like I don't know anything with him anymore like I used to. Usually we can finish sentences or pick out what the other is thinking of. It's the strangest thing with us but we've been together now half of our lives. And I'm sure all this junk is just because of the kids and not making time for ourselves. He leaves at 6 am comes home at 6:30 pm and then we have Sophia up with us until 10:30 or so. Sometimes she sleeps in our bed instead of her bassinet. We have not went out on a date since the night Bailey disappeared which was October 25th. We went to a party that night but it was time alone with friends (and free alcohol! lol) and was awesome.

So things are good now. Neither of us wants to lose the other. I'm glad we opened up and even more glad that I am married to such an emotional guy who can share that with me. We've had moments on other issues like this in the past. If I cry to him, I want him to be able to do the same to me. I love that he does.