I Passed

This morning I had the lovely task of taking the girls in for shots. Mia, for her 2nd flu shot and Sophie for her 2 month and shots. As I was checking in the receptionist gave me a Postpartum Depression questionnaire. Since when do ped's scan their patient's mothers for PPD? I read it over and over before filling it out. I finished filling it out right as they called us back. I told the Dr about Sophia spitting up all the time and he okayed me to slip cereal in the bottle. It doesn't appear she has reflux too badly because she weighs 12.5 lbs so she's gaining. I told him yesterday any pumped bottle I gave her I put a tsp. of cereal and she didn't get sick. She will guzzle on me and then puke all over both of us. I'm changing her usually twice a day along with myself. It's not too fun! He then said my PPD test didn't appear that I had PPD and I passed. Now honestly I don't know if anyone has filled one of these out before but I could have easily lied. Maybe I did. lol No, I tried to answer it as truthfully as possible. Yes I feel like harming people.....sometimes (lol) and yes I don't like to get out and stay at home often...... because I hate toting 5 kids everywhere. So I couldn't really answer none of the time or never and I still passed. :) Shots were no fun as usual and my husband had to call right before. He was totally unaware I was doing them today even though I told him and there's a huge Mom planner sitting in the kitchen with all appointments and happenings listed on it.

So tonight Dave has a Christmas party at work. He'd joked about me not going again this year and I told him I wasn't pregnant or anything so I would go with him. I don't know if he's just being an ass but for the past week or so he's been saying "blah blah....since you're not coming to the party." He's been asking me to make something for him to take and feed everyone as well. This morning at 6:30 when he was leaving for work his words before leaving were "Well, I'll be home late since we're having our party tonight." Then shut the door. No kiss, no "are you sure you aren't coming?" no nothing. If I wasn't busy pumping I would have flipped him off and kicked him in the ass on the way out. I really am wondering if he even wanted me to go. He didn't try to find a sitter for the kids or even ask if I would. I haven't been to one of his office Christmas parties yet but there's always been something going on. Last year we had an ice storm and I refused to go, he was dead set and tried. I told him if he wanted to leave his kids without a dad by playing vehicular manslaughter then leave. It's a hour drive there. He didn't make it far and came back because the roads were so bad. The year before I was 9 months pregnant and sick which we found out later was my gallbladder failing. The year before that one I don't think they had one.

So anyways I'm not sure what to do. I'm really getting tired of crap. Last night we didn't do the deed and it was all my fault but I was the one who initiated it by getting on top of him as soon as we got in the bed. You can only try so long before you give up when the other person doesn't act interested. And then when you take care of the baby in the bassinet and hear him starting to snore what do you do? Well what I did was lay down and go to sleep like most normal rejected people probably would do. I wanted to but mainly I just wanted to make him happy. Anyways it's all my fault. I really do not know what to think anymore.

There's a new song on the Twilight Soundtrack by Paramore (Decode) it's supposedly about the characters on the movie but I feel it describes everything with our relationship. Here's the lyrics.

How can i decide whats right?
When your clouding up my mind,
I cant win your losing fight,
All the time.

Nor can i ever own whats mine,
When your always taking sides,
But you won't take away my pride,
No not this time... Not this time.

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well,
How did we get here?
I think i know.

The truth is hiding in your eyes,
And it's hanging on your tongue,
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that i can't see.
What kind of man that you are.
If your man at all,
I will figure this one out.
On my own... (Screaming i love you so)
On my own... (My thoughts you cant decode)

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well,
How did we get here?
I think i know how.

Do you see,
What we've done,
We're gonna make such fools,
Of ourselves...
Do you see,
What we've done,
We're gonna make such fools,
Of ourselves...

YEAH How did we get here
I used to know you so well
How did we get here?
I used to know you so well
I think i know... I think i know...

There is something, I see in you, It might kill me, I want it to be true.