Thursday, December 18, 2008

Letting It Go

Since Sophie was about 3 weeks old we've been going to Wednesday bible study at church. I'm not comfortable with putting her in the nursery yet to help with Awana but since the kids are there for Awana we decided we'd just start staying and listen to our pastor for awhile. Well it's been more than just a bible study. lol He's been teaching us all sorts of ways to pray and letting things go. A few weeks ago everyone washed their hands (literally) of their sins. It's pretty emotional and deep for a lot of people. Well last night was my turn I suppose. Our pastor asked everyone to write 3 things (a sin, a hurt, and a obstacle) and we were going to let them go by taking our papers and running them through a paper shredder. I thought just so he could see, I'd let Dave read mine before going up there. I felt he needed to since 2 were about him. Here's what I wrote.

A Hurt- I want to let go of my past with my mother. She has hurt me so much in the past with her constant bar trips when I was 12 to letting her ex-husband beat the living crap out of me as a teenager. There's so much more to it than that but I want to get past the awful things that happened in my teen years.

An Obstacle- I want to trust my husband. I have not talked about this on this blog but if you are from Babycenter you've probably heard me talk about this. I have a very hard time with Dave working in Wichita since he's became management. It's not just the hours like I've mentioned on here, it's also been the fact that he works in an office with a girl he constantly talks about at home. Put it this way, around 8:30 the other night his Razr was being text'd. I was online so I went to Verizon and used the send text message feature on their website and put Quit texting your girlfriend. A few seconds later it went off and he said from the next room over "I'm not" but soon after that I went through his texts when he wasn't looking and it was this girl asking him a question. He's told me i have nothing to worry about with him or any other girls but still I constantly go through his phone because i have a trust issue.

A Sin- I got pregnant with Alex on purpose without Dave's knowledge. Now that the cat is out of the bag some reading may have just figured out that I've lied to not only him but the Internet world as well. Alex wasn't just some accident from missing some birth control pills. I did miss a few but then after missing 4-5 I just quit taking them. Though I'd hoped I would, I really didn't think I'd get pregnant easily. I'd been on birth control pills since I was 17 and at 18 was told by a Dr because of PID i would probably never have kids. I was 22 so pretty young and STUPID when it came to anger. He'd pissed me off so much by telling me no that he didn't want kids yet, let's wait till we're 30 that I just quit. Here my sister was 17 and pregnant at the time with no steady relationship and we were 22, established in our first house, good jobs and in a position to have one. So on October 20th, 1999 (my sister's birthday) we took a test together which i was sure would say positive because i hadn't had a period since mid August and sure enough it did and he was not happy. lol Now she's his favorite. lol

So after letting him look at what 3 things i wrote, I went up front and shredded my paper. I'm not sure what he wrote and don't know if I really want to know. I was crying after we got done and he was trying to hold me through the rest of the service. At home he was pretty much the same way, loving but didn't mention anything I wrote. I think if I did anything I showed him 3 things that have been killing me inside.


Amie said...

If you can humor me a little, I totally understand what you are going through, a situation of shredding past hurts/sins. The thing that it took me a LONG time of going to Chruch and being a Christian to get was when I shredded it, actually even before I shredded it (I think we burned the paper or something once) Christ had already removed that sin from me, he was already willing to heal that hurt or overcome that obsitcle. That was hard for me to accept, I thought I had to do something, I had to pay for it, but really I could let it go. Granted it still hurts and I still have consequences for a sin (in this case one consequence is a beautiful, smart daughter). I don't know if I am making sense, but what I am trying to say is God has forgiven, Jesus paid the price for that sin, and because of that we have the freedom to let our past go. Sabrina, thank you for being so tranparent, it is good for me to see other struggle as I do. Amie

Lucia's Mom said...

Sabrina - do you believe in God's will? It was his will that you were to have this family, no matter how it happened. I don't think it's a sin to have a baby and love it and I bet you don't either.

Hang in there girl!