Have you ever noticed how back and forth this blog is? Yesterday was a bad, bad day. Why? No reason at all but I cried all day. By 5 pm my shoulders and neck were killing me. At 7 pm I text'd Dave to ask if he was on his way yet and the answer back was he hadn't even left the office. By 9 pm, 14 hours from when I last saw him he came in the door. Went to bed around 11:15, I fell asleep around 1.
Yesterday morning after the crying started I decided to mosey online and look up depression. Sadly I'm afraid that may be my problem. People here and everywhere else have tried telling me this but I like to tune out what I don't want to hear. ;) I've seem to sunk into this hole ever since Sophia came. Some days I feel fine but then others I'm just sobbing uncontrollably. It was kinda like that while I was pregnant with her too but I'd say the past few months it's been worse. I just can't see how you can have depression and be both happy and sad. I am happy quite a bit.
I was given surveys after her birth. It's kind of stupid to give a survey to someone who believes everything is fine though. I could sway it any way I wanted to infact I probably did. My OB office was on the ball at my 6 week postpartum appointment but when people accuse or question you of something you don't want to believe..... you just lie or tend to not believe it I guess because you don't think it's that big of a deal. Dave called my OB office yesterday and they told him this is no longer PPD, it's another type of depression and I have to get in immediately. Stephanie whom I have lied to numerous times (if you remember I gave her a hug saying I was fine last i saw her in November) called me and told me she wasn't surprised to hear something was still going on and it's ok! No it's not. This is not OK! She told me I can't keep going on believing things happening are normal which in a way I suppose they aren't. Then she gave me a on the phone survey (insert rolling eyes) and said she was happy to hear I wasn't thinking of killing any family or myself.
So now I have an appt with my GP Doctor to figure this out. I really don't know. I wish there was a way I could say I was making this all up. I really don't want anyone to think I'm depressed because I'm a mom of 5 and my kids are running me into the grave. Yes there's stress but it's not the kids. I think I've said that more times than I can count when people have CAUGHT me upset. It's just common assumption she's upset because she's put herself in this place. It's so hard to explain. Honestly I really can't explain myself.
Some things I guess that had been happening that I know aren't normal is just these deep thoughts. This whole idea that Dave has been messing around with a girl in the office has been going on for quite a while, about a year, but it's CONSUMED me to where I think about it all the time and I accused him upfront on about 3 occasions the past year putting us both in tears. He leaves for work and I start having this huge fear or panic that he's going to be in an accident or he's never coming back and I just can't live without him. But then i sit around and think...if I wanted to leave, how could I because I'm a mom of 5, no job, no money...I'm trapped. I don't want to leave him at all though. I think all day about tragedy friends or others are facing in their lives alot too. Dave gets so fed up of me on a daily basis always being "tired" but i just am. I have no energy for anything, I would rather stay home clean rather than even attempt to get the kids in the car and go to a bank or food drive thru. He wants to go out by ourselves and I want to stay home. I look at this house and think everyday how bad it looks and how I need to clean or do this and that but I just don't want to. I do clean it but it's not how I want it to look, it's not as clean as I want it. I feel like I'm a failure cleaning it. I feel like I'm a failure to Dave. Pretty much worthless I suppose which is always where the screwing around would come in. Don't think badly of him but most guys would like a nice dinner prepared when they come home from work and I want to but I can't even plan dinner or set out meat ahead of time. I'm constantly forgetting everything. I hear "but mommy you said......." sooooooo many times in a week. You have no idea how this kills me that I'm not keeping up with the kids and I'm letting them down. I feel like I let down Sophia because I'm supplementing her now. I can't sleep anymore at all. The past 3 nights have been horrible. Last night I must have been waking every 10-20 minutes looking at the clock and laying back down. Then here I am today, doing ok not many tears for the most part but having this awful neck pain again. There's so much more after looking into depression I didn't realize what I was experiencing could be what it was. Weight gain since having Sophia, stomach aches, my neck killing me, headaches, lashing out, and of course the problems in the bedroom which I discussed a few weeks back. It seems I have everything wrong except killing myself or someone. lol Ugh, what a mess.
Anyways so that's where I'm at and we'll see where this appointment leads me, and Dave because I think I'm dragging him along for the ride.