Mourning The Loss of My Uterus

I never thought I would ever be so sad over losing a stupid organ. This week has been very hard and I really REALLY feel like a spoiled selfish brat over it which makes me cry even more. People suffer from infertility. People have Post Partum Hemorrhage and the condition I had after just 1 baby and have to have everything removed. I really shouldn't be feelin like this since I have 7 healthy beautiful kiddos through C-sections but it's so hard. I keep reflecting back to last summer cleaning the kitchen happy as could be with our 6 and Daddy was sitting at the table and we started talking about the future. I told him how nice it was NOT to be pregnant during the summer. We started talking about kids, I told him I thought 8 would be a good number but we should wait until the others grew up a bit and then try for 2 close together. He seemed to think that sounded ok too. Then a month or so later in July we found out I was pregnant, and I cried. First time I had actually cried about being pregnant. It seemed from the beginning I was worried about being pregnant. I was truly scared this time around with 2 C-sections so close together. I had just had Ovarian surgery 4 months earlier and I got pregnant when Rocco was 6 months (with Sophia I got pregnant with Rocco it was 5 months) So I held out till what I thought was 12 weeks before going to the Dr. They did a sono to see where I was because I actually hadn't had a period since April and it was September. And that's when the discovery that i was 14 1/2 weeks already came about and that I had an anterior, low lying placenta came into the picture. I was not really worried at that that time and when referred to the Perinatologist I thought surely everything was fine.

Monday the 21st marked 3 weeks and I guess with everyone gone I had alot of time to think about things. I've questioned myself about EVERYTHING from the past. Of course nothing can change now but I can't help but drill myself and it starts 10 years ago with our first child. Why didn't I let them try to vac her out instead of agreeing to a C-section? Why didn't I try a Vbac with my 2nd? Why weren't we more careful after our 6th? Why did this happen to us? Why did my body fail me? Why didn't I try the methotrexate since it turned out to be an increta? Why didn't I fight to keep my uterus? Why did we lose that baby almost 7 yrs ago, that could have been our 8th.

I think the saddest part for me is that I will never see the joy of another positive pregnancy test. I will never feel a baby moving around inside of me. EVER. AGAIN. I will never see one of our creative gene combos from God. EVER. AGAIN. I will never have a newborn sleeping with us or nurse once she's grown up. EVER. AGAIN. Those hurts more than anything and I'm trying to move on from that. It sucks. There is no option of hey maybe down the road we can, it's over because there's a big gaping hole sitting in my body where I used to have a uterus but now don't.

I have always wanted to adopt and I'm not sure what our chances are with a large family because I know they have all sorts of requirements. With his line of work he was doing business at an agency locally which told him that you can't have 6 kids under 16 in your house. I have 7 kids 10 and under. lol! I guess hearing that kind of has me worried if we were ever to look into it. It wouldn't be for a few years anyways as we have some work to do on our house and want to get debt free again. Maybe though it will be an option down the road because I have a LONG TIME until grandkids. ;)

2 weeks later...

I do plan on posting a birth story soon I just haven't got to it yet. I'm about 2 weeks out from surgery and I'm doing alot better than I was. The first week or so was horrible. I was in the hospital for 3 days which was a very short visit for all that I had done but they said I was free to go if I wanted. I had to come home with a catheter which totally sucked and added a ton more pain. Walking around carrying a bag sucked and I was confined to home unless I wanted to put this bag on my leg. They told me I could go back to my original OB after leaving the hospital so I went in after a week and had that removed and the metal staples and from then recovery has been much better. I was terrified about the staples because first they looked horrible and I was afraid with the up and down incision I was going to open up and fall apart. Everything healed ok except my belly button. I have a small hole about the size of a Q-tip cotton that's been draining.

Two weeks later I am nearly pain free. I weaned myself from 2 percocet every 4 hours for a week and a half down to 1 every 4 hrs and finally 0, no percocet in the past day or so. I went through 2 1/2 bottles of Percocet which I normally only take 4-5 days worth after a C-section. This by far was the worst recovery I've had on any surgery. Good thing we had 2 Grandmas to help with the kids. They will be leaving this Saturday ending their 3 week stay. I am so ready to jump back into my schedule and routine. I am ready to be the mom and in charge of it all. Everyday since surgery I have woke up and thought how blessed I am to be still living. As soon as surgery was over that morning and they pulled down the blue curtain, I started crying and they thought something was wrong, that I was in great pain. I told them I just wanted my husband, that's all I wanted. I needed to cry with him because it was OVER. They were stroking my head telling me it was over too which made it more emotional because we were literally all rejoicing in the OR that Gianna and I had no major issues and were fine. Even though they hadn't lived the nightmare, they knew how thankful we were to be over the first hurdle.

I made it! Quick Update.

I'll post a complete birth story later but wanted to give a quick update. I had my surgery yesterday and it went very well. I do however have to go home with a cath. Percreta was right diagnosis. It was attached to the bladder
but only got into the muscle of it. It was a strange surgery totally different
than my other 6 c-sections. First they had me angled on my side and then my
body was in the air but my head was low. I was awake the whole time which was 3
hrs. I wish they would have put me to sleep but I did nap during it. I
received close to 3 liters blood is what they said. They were awesome and
constantly telling me how things were going. They did the c-section,
hysterectomy, bladder repair, and umbilical hernia repair so I am big time sore
but I got up at 12 hours and hve been all day today. The only bad thing with
surgery was I ended up having the spinal/epi wear off at the end and felt the
staples put in. I was not happy and screaming at them. lol. I had already been
given a 2nd dose and since we were basically done they didn't want to give a
3rd.

Gianna was born perfectly healthy at 34 wks 3 days at 6lbs 2.5 oz and 18 in long
with her 2 vessel cord. There was about 20 people in the OR to work on us both.
I got to spend about 1 minute with her before they took her away for testing.
It was 12 hours before I saw her last night. They wouldn't bring her because of
all the monitors so after 12 hours I got my butt up to go see her. I have big
babies so seeing her so small just had me in tears. Today she was removed from
everything and she is rooming with us. Because of a nasty snow storm we will
probably be here Thursday. They don't want us driving the hour home with bad
roads. So there's a quick update!