Friday, February 25, 2011

Mourning The Loss of My Uterus

I never thought I would ever be so sad over losing a stupid organ. This week has been very hard and I really REALLY feel like a spoiled selfish brat over it which makes me cry even more. People suffer from infertility. People have Post Partum Hemorrhage and the condition I had after just 1 baby and have to have everything removed. I really shouldn't be feelin like this since I have 7 healthy beautiful kiddos through C-sections but it's so hard. I keep reflecting back to last summer cleaning the kitchen happy as could be with our 6 and Daddy was sitting at the table and we started talking about the future. I told him how nice it was NOT to be pregnant during the summer. We started talking about kids, I told him I thought 8 would be a good number but we should wait until the others grew up a bit and then try for 2 close together. He seemed to think that sounded ok too. Then a month or so later in July we found out I was pregnant, and I cried. First time I had actually cried about being pregnant. It seemed from the beginning I was worried about being pregnant. I was truly scared this time around with 2 C-sections so close together. I had just had Ovarian surgery 4 months earlier and I got pregnant when Rocco was 6 months (with Sophia I got pregnant with Rocco it was 5 months) So I held out till what I thought was 12 weeks before going to the Dr. They did a sono to see where I was because I actually hadn't had a period since April and it was September. And that's when the discovery that i was 14 1/2 weeks already came about and that I had an anterior, low lying placenta came into the picture. I was not really worried at that that time and when referred to the Perinatologist I thought surely everything was fine.

Monday the 21st marked 3 weeks and I guess with everyone gone I had alot of time to think about things. I've questioned myself about EVERYTHING from the past. Of course nothing can change now but I can't help but drill myself and it starts 10 years ago with our first child. Why didn't I let them try to vac her out instead of agreeing to a C-section? Why didn't I try a Vbac with my 2nd? Why weren't we more careful after our 6th? Why did this happen to us? Why did my body fail me? Why didn't I try the methotrexate since it turned out to be an increta? Why didn't I fight to keep my uterus? Why did we lose that baby almost 7 yrs ago, that could have been our 8th.


I think the saddest part for me is that I will never see the joy of another positive pregnancy test. I will never feel a baby moving around inside of me. EVER. AGAIN. I will never see one of our creative gene combos from God. EVER. AGAIN. I will never have a newborn sleeping with us or nurse once she's grown up. EVER. AGAIN. Those hurts more than anything and I'm trying to move on from that. It sucks. There is no option of hey maybe down the road we can, it's over because there's a big gaping hole sitting in my body where I used to have a uterus but now don't.

I have always wanted to adopt and I'm not sure what our chances are with a large family because I know they have all sorts of requirements. With his line of work he was doing business at an agency locally which told him that you can't have 6 kids under 16 in your house. I have 7 kids 10 and under. lol! I guess hearing that kind of has me worried if we were ever to look into it. It wouldn't be for a few years anyways as we have some work to do on our house and want to get debt free again. Maybe though it will be an option down the road because I have a LONG TIME until grandkids. ;)

5 comments:

Cindy said...

(((hugs)))) I can only begin to imagine how hard this is for you. I am also sure that how you are feeling is 100% normal. You can not change things,but try and remember the good stuff. You and your baby are both alive and healrhy. Your kids have a Mom.

I know none of that will never replace the child that you will never have, but they are what God wanted you to have.

Please take time to feel what ever you need to feel. Punch a pillow yell, what ever makes you feel better. I am confident these feeling will lessen as time goes on, but don't be afariad to do what you need to until then.

Cindy said...

Wanted to also mention...maybe you shoudl look for a post hystroctemy support group?

Brenda said...

I think that you are entitled to go through the grieving process. You had so many worries going into the surgery that a hysterectomy seemed like a piece of cake considering some of the horrible options they threw at you.

Grieve for a while! Be mad! Be sad! And when those feelings start to fade...the joy and thankful will come back.

It was not the journey that you wanted but Gianna is here and perfectly healthy. You are here and perfectly healthy! That is two amazing miracles!! HUGS!

Anonymous said...

Sabrina I just wanted to add that I think you are totally justified in the feelings you're having. I won't say I understand everything you're feeling but I do understand how you feel about the hysterectomy. When I had to have a emergency hysterectomy with the twins c-section I didn't really have time to let it sink in till a few weeks later. I became really depressed because I didn't feel like a complete woman because part of me was taken out.

I can remember crying whenever I thought about the fact that we could no longer have kids. Even though we had agreed 3 kids was enough for us, just the fact that the decision on whether we would have more kids later down the road or not..was taken from me with the hysterectomy. What helped me was going online looking for a support group for women who have had a hysterectomy.
The twins just turned 3 in December and I no longer "mourn" the fact I had to have a hysterectomy..I look at the positive..no more periods!! LOL if you ever need to talk, you can find me on FB
Ginny

Anonymous said...

Oh wow this is my story!!!! But I'm going through it now. I have 4 children and pregnant with 5th. I'm 21 weeks diagnosed with placenta previa and accreta so assumed a hysterectomy will be done.