Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I Can't Sleep!

So it's almost 4 in the morning and have been laying in bed for over a hour trying to get back to sleep but it's just not happening so I figured now would be the perfect time to start this thing. I was refered to this site by friends to help get feelings out in the open and after reading a few Blogs this would probably be a good start for me since I tend to bottle up. I would rather write a note to someone then tell them what's going on in life even with my husband! I also have several highschool friends living so far away from me now and this would be the perfect way for me to let them catch up.

I told my husband I was getting up to eat because I'm sick to my stomach which is true but not completely. I just have thousands of things running through my head and after thinking so much I couldn't sleep. First alittle about myself. I'm 27 yrs old, I have 2 children one is a 4 yr old girl named Alex the other is a 2 yr old named Dominic, I've been with my husband now for 11 yrs, we live in Kansas, I do daycare to help out since I'm a Stay at home mom, and we just got pregnant in October with our little miracle after having a miscarriage in April of 04. We have 4 dogs, 1 cat, 4 fish, and a Hampster. lol

The things going through my head this early AM are things people don't normally think about I'll tell ya that. First What am I going to feed all the kids for breakfast? What about lunch? Will the kids be good for me today? Why was I such a bitch to Dave before bed, that wasn't really called for. Why the hell am I putting myself through this torture of doing daycare? I absolutely hate it but I'm being forced by Dave to make some sort of money to help out. Then of course I thought about the baby we lost back in April, a daily thought by the way, and whenI felt the tears coming I got up before he heard me.

The baby we lost at 12 weeks but found out it had died at 6 weeks along. This means I carried something so small for 6 weeks after it died. We had no idea at all anything had went wrong with this pregnancy till I started spotting. You figure if you have 2 healthy pregnancies before why would this one end up any different. EVERYDAY what if's go through my head and you'd think "she's 18 weeks pregnant now why does this bother her so much?" well it was the life of a child is what I'd answer and also I told so many people we were pregnant that it was embarassing to have to tell them something happened and we lost it. The saddest part for me was to see my poor daughter through the whole thing. Even now she still thinks there are 2 babies occasionally, the one from April and this new one. That morning when I lost the baby at the house I have to say was the biggest bonding moment I ever had with my sister. She showed up to drop off her kids for me to watch and I told her my spotting had gotten alot worse and I was cramping really bad. I was actually on the toilet crying when she walked in. I told her that chunks were coming out of me and I was scared because I didn't know if it was normal for a miscarriage. My dr had told me 2 days before that I was about to miscarry and to be prepared for tissue but I didn't know what I should have expected. Well I think it was when the saucer sized chucks of tissue started coming out with each contraction that we both freaked out and she called 911 for me bawling. I had a piece stuck and Paramedics had to cut it off since it wouldn't expell itself and took me to the ER to make sure I wasn't hemmoraging. It was the most horrific thing my sister and I have ever went through. She was traumatized as much as I was going through it. Even thoughts of it like this makes me start to cry. With all the screaming and crying that my sister and I were doing who knows what our four kids thought was going on in the bathroom. We threw them all into my daughter's bedroom and told them to stay there and don't come out which the 2 oldest ones kept themselves and our babies in there. The what if's I think about daily too. What if I didn't pet my cat? What if I didn't sleep with the electric blanket on? What if I didn't get those dental xrays a week before I found out I was pregnant? What if I would have consistantly took prenatal vitamins like I was supposed to? What if this happened because I got pregnant too soon after Dominic? What if God thought I didn't want this baby that much? Did any of this make a difference in the outcome of the baby?? I'm sure it didn't but I always thinking of these things and others almost daily. It's like I have to figure out what happened but everyone and everything keeps saying "chromosones" which is not something you don't want to believe considering you've already had two perfect children.

The next topic I was thinking about was about daycare. What the hell am I doing? I will say now I LOVE MY KIDS!! They are the best except my son's a bit of a pain sometimes but I DON'T LIKE WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS!! I watch my neices and they are pretty good for the most part. Kaelynn can get a bit mean since she is the same age as Dominic and they fight but Madison is 5 now and really good. Right now I see myself in a mess. I started doing this in 2003 to help out with our income since we decided to have me stay home. Right now I'm watching a newborn, Three 2 yr olds, and Two 5 yr olds plus my 2 yr old son and my daughter when she's home from school. I get calls all the time from people that have been referred to me and am constantly saying "sorry I'm full!" I just couldn't handle anymore this is enough! I have constant fights with the little ones with toys, things being thrown at the new baby, new baby always crying for something, a 2 yr old potty training at the moment, and two 5 yr olds bored out of their mind constantly asking me if they can do this or that and ontop of all that I have my son who's very active and into everything either breaking it or playing with things he shouldn't. I feel like a mean mom and mean sitter because I'm constantly yelling all day at these kids! I try to be nice but it's so hard. My son gets his butt swatted alot during the day because he's into everything! The toilet is his favorite thing. He likes to put things in it like his toothbrush and then use it. He also is a climber and climbs on all our furniture. He's a bully and pushes and hits other kids and I have to watch him all the time because of that. He likes to take my lotion and dump it out all over the carpet, he loves to break CD's or DVD's, He chews Xbox remotes apart and he loves to spit and hit me! What a great kid!! He's like watching 5 kids but he's only one so you'd think it'd be easy but it's not. You can't leave him alone for a second.

So there's a start of things to come. I'm going to TRY to go back to sleep now!

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