Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Lovely Morning Thoughts

Well now 2 hours later I'm ready to start the day, not really but do I have a choice? Ugh! I have one hour now before 4 of the kids I watch show up. I have to get my daughter up and around for school, warm a bottle for the baby before it shows up, get the dog out to pee, get my son dressed I'm sure his diaper is soaked, start a load of dishes, figure out what to feed these rugrats and Oh yes of course get myself up and around! I can only imagine what the day will bring!!

Another thought I've had all morning is the whole thought about this baby. I hope everything is ok in there! It's all I think and pray about all day. This pregnancy I haven't been as excited about because of the fear and grief I have inside of me this time around. Actually I don't talk about the baby much at all but I love him or her very much it's just I'm so so scared. I haven't felt movement much although it is still early. I've felt little bumps and nudges but they aren't as HARD or STRONG as I want them. I want to be kicked so hard in the ribs that it hurts or have pain on my bladder just to know everything is ok. I don't want to feel so scared all the time about this baby but it's so hard to think positive.

Something else I can't get off my mind is this insane Trying To Conceive journey I took with about 30 + other girls on a famous website called BabyCenter. I feel so bad for the girls still TTC on our thread and tried to give all the support I could but a few couldn't bear to be there and left. It made us all very sad. Most of the girls who cared tried to keep up with email to let them know they were missed even though we had mostly gotten pregnant we wanted to know what was going on! I guess being pregnant and still trying to be a friend is not a good combination for someone who's having a hard time with fertility issues. I had an 18 mth time period of trying to conceive my son, I know it's hard but don't lash out at me for trying to reach out! Was I insensitive to try to be nice? Alot of the girls had agreed that we should all stick together all of us that were pregnant and TTC for support but then after a nasty post, most of the girls pregnant decided maybe it was better to take the pregnant girls to a new thread so they didn't offend anyone TTC anymore. It's sad because I wanted us to be there together to support the girls still TTC and we'll check on them still but I don't think it's going to be like it used to. I can tell already and it hurts. This subject came up both times to start a seperate pregnant thread and both times was vetoed but just ONE post stabbed us all in the chest pregnant and girls still TTC. I don't think anyone saw that one coming. What's sad is the comments made directed to me were totally not true! I had just sent an email to this girl a friendly hi how are things going email just 6 days before this post I had no idea she was mad at me. It's just sad. What's even sadder is the girls still TTC emailing me asking me what caused all the drama. I don't know honestly I guess just alot of womanly hormones! lol I know INFERTILITY HURTS but what about the loss of a child? So many of those girls still TTC or who are pregnant have lost a child! That isn't hurt that's called grief that they will live with for the rest of their lives thinking what could have been! I know I lost ours early but know so many women off that site have had miscarriages after they found out the sex and even stillborns at 38 weeks! Some of them are STILL trying to get pregnant and it makes me so sad. Most of them are doing the fertility route now with RE's getting HCG estrogen shots, Prog supplements, IVF and IUI. How about the grief that a girl I know who had a newborn then when he was born tied her tubes so she couldn't have anymore and then her son died of SIDS??! She's living with grief daily! Grieving never ends with the loss of a child. My grandmother wouldn't even talk about her daughter that was born at 5 months old it was just too hard for her to do. That was grief she carried to her grave.

1 comment:

Adam's Mom said...

I am so thankful that you and I have maintained our frienship even though the boards have separated. I am so sorry about that post that hurt so much - grief does make people upset-- you are not to blame! thanks for all your support! Love ya!