Hangover

Oh my head hurts so terribly bad this morning. It's the Children's Church Director's fault though, not mine. She offered it, and I took it all in.

Last night we had Awana which is always a lot of fun for everyone. Last night however, things took a turn in the wrong direction around 8:15. I was sitting in the sanctuary watching over the girls (3rd-6th graders) when S, the Director, starts telling the Awana kiddos about a verse. I can't remember which for the life of me either. She's talking about being confident and fearful of things in life. I've always been amazed by S and how she teaches the kids so I was listening pretty closely. She gets to a point asking the kids if they'd ever wondered why certain things happen in life and if they have ever wanted to scream and then screams herself looking up in the air, "God! Why me?! Why did you do this to me!?! I am so angry with you!!!!" I completely lost it. Well shaking, I took off out of there before tears actually started rolling. Was able to deep breathe and hold composure till out in the hallway the Pastor's wife came up knowing I'm pregnant and said, "so how are you feeling?" And **BOOM** just like that, the waterfall began. She and another lady there ushered me over to a couch to figure out what in the world was wrong.

At first I told her S just hit way too close to home in what she was teaching the kids. Then I told her about the 4 year anniversary this week of the baby we lost and how the week had been so rough because it's all I've thought about. I told her it was the only pregnancy I really expressed that I didn't want, I was mad and bothered about but then I got happy with the idea having 3 kids close. And just like that I started spotting then miscarried at home at 11.5 weeks. I feel totally punished for the way I felt/acted when we were blessed with such an awesome gift. So she prayed for me and told me that our God would never ever punish us and that Satan has been loving putting all these horrible thoughts in my head for the past years. I can't say I feel 100% better about how I feel but she at least got me to quit crying there. lol!!! Somehow I've got to move on, not forget but I just haven't found out how. Dave would rather just forget I think. He wasn't here at home when it happened which I think makes it easier for him to just move on. He just met me at the hospital when I arrived by ambulance.

So after chatting WAY too long, Alex was crying thinking I left her, I obviously had been crying, and Dominic was mad because he got awards last week but they wouldn't give them to him this week too. Damien, Mia and Dave though were fine. I'm sure everyone was wondering what in the world had 3 of us crying before we left. How embarrassing.

All I Have To Remember

4 Years ago today we lost our 3rd baby. It's all I've thought about all day. It's still so hard. I reminded Dave the other day that the 21st was approaching, he was angry I even brought it up.

Argh!

With the loss of sweet Hannah, I feel awful when I post any bit of a pity party on my behalf. There are much more important things in life then what I have to deal with. Getting Rachel and Jess through the days with my small blogger comments has become a priority to me. Although I can never imagine the loss of a child at 5 years, I can say that I experienced a great deal of grief after the loss of our baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant. For someone to never endure something like that and then have it happen is a story itself. Here you are completely ignorant to the fact that things like that happen, you are at the 12 week mark and are safe, etc and then just like that its over. I am so happy that the frogs bring some calm and hope to her and the family. Every frog I see now reminds me of a beautiful little girl. With our loss, March of Dimes sent me a grief package and on it, it says "There is an ancient belief that each entrance of a child into heaven is marked by a falling star....." Around the time we lost the baby according to the sonogram, driving we saw a falling star and it was amazing! We were on our way to the hospital to see my best friend's new little one. We went in the hospital telling Jennifer all about it even Dave was really excited telling her about how it fell! Little did we know that was probably our falling star. But the magic of it all is that we now know that our little one is in heaven, the star was a "sign" and it brings us great comfort. I'm glad the frogs do the same for them.

On to my pity party, while Laura is dealing with daycare woes, I am having the same problem but preschool. Instead of beating my head against the wall, I choose to vent here, that way the kids won't think I'm crazy. We have been waiting all summer for any sign that Dominic will be accepted into the preschool at Alex's Elementary School. He is on an IEP (individualized Education Plan) which is short words means he needs help and the state will pay for his schooling and extra help. Because of his IEP, the school has to accommodate him, he automatically qualifies for a spot. This is great because it will prevent me from going to 2 different schools and I can do room parties or even just visit one school instead of 2. Well it's now August and they still have not given me the smallest glimpse that he is definitely in and what time, nothing. They went through a change of management and it sounds like the person before was guaranteeing spots before they were supposed to. They have no idea if he's going to be in or not. They are saying if not, he could go to the other Pre K program at the other grade school in the district which is in another town but all Highway so not that far away. The bus will come get him and everything. Well while he already has a spot at his Early Intervention school he's went to 2 years, I told them that he may be going to Alex's school but now WHO KNOWS!! It's just getting aggravating because I'm feeling pressure that I need to tell his current school what's going on and I myself have no idea. I chatted with the Head Start teacher who runs the program at Alex's school and she is going to try to find him a spot because even though Head Start is income based, they also accept kids at-risk with an IEP.

Damien's schooling this year will be here at home with a SP (Speech Pathologist) and then next year he will go to Dominic's current school on an IEP. Can my children's education be more confusing??

My interview went rather well with Aubrey's parents. I stressed that once I started, I have no plans to quit again. I also tried to find out if the drive was ok since we are in the country but they didn't seem like they cared. I've only lost one daycare kiddo due to the drive and he actually came here for over a year. So we just wait and see. I hope they choose me out of the 2 providers they are looking at but if not, it won't make me too terribly sad. :)

It's Over

I had one more episode after this post yesterday then that was pretty much it. Hardly anything at all now. I am sad. I think it's sank in abit more since my brain had time to process while laying in bed. Probably would have sank in even more if I even knew I WAS pregnant before it started. I went straight to bed at 10 but didn't escape Dave trying to ask me if I was "ok" when he came to bed shortly after. We didn't really say much more about it and just laid there stroking each others faces and arms. Then we fell asleep holding hands. Mia wanted in bed with us around 1 so we slept with her the rest of the night. On the positive side, at least it happened before we knew what was going on and we didn't get attached.

Mia is getting so good about sleeping through the night now but I'm putting her in bed with us to do it. I haven't tried just leaving her in her bed and I'm not sure why. I think I'm just so out of it I just pick her up and transfer her to ours.

Today I'm going to be doing much more Spring Cleaning to sort of clear my head. I need to finish closets and weed out some toys that I'm giving to a friend for her daycare. Our house is just over run at the moment with toys. Hopefully by next week I'll get our house on the market. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed trying to list it this time. But, I'm ready for a fresh start.

A Bit Graphic Just So You Know.

My life is nothing but drama I swear and alot of it is my own fault. I guess I did get pregnant again right after Mia. I've kinda had thoughts about it but thought it was highly unlikely. The high temps for so long, unexplained cramping, and the brown sludge on and off again spotting I had for the past month all makes sense now. I tested at 6 1/2 weeks postpartum because my OB freaked me out at my postpartum check with her lecture and it was negative but haven't tested again till this morning and there was a light line. Now I'm 10 weeks postpartum. I quit breastfeeding right before Mia was 6 weeks.

I woke up to AF yesterday, no big deal but then started losing chunks of tissue and cramping with it. I told Dave but didn't think it was a miscarriage then. Mia slept with us all night so I never had to get up but around 6 AM she started fussing to eat. Dave heard her on the baby monitor and brought a bottle to our bed to give to me. I told him something wasn't right and I needed to go to the bathroom now and asked him to feed her. This is horrible sounding but basically when I got up I felt the pad I was wearing was completely full, kid's drenched diaper full and like I needed to hold it against me. When I got to the bathroom I pulled it down to find so much tissue had came out it fell out on the floor. I no more than sat on the toilet after that happened and another gush and more came out. I pretty much knew then. I cleaned up and then showed Dave some of the mess that fell on the floor since he saw me through my miscarriage 3 years ago. He left soon after, rubbed my leg and gave me a kiss before going. Got Alex up and ready for school. 7:10 waiting for Alex's bus I had another gush of chunky tissue but didn't want to leave her outside waiting by herself so I waited till the driver got here then went quickly to the bathroom. Lost more again in the toilet.

The worst part is, I feel sad and alittle upset about this but not traumatized like I was after my loss 3 yrs ago. I don't know if it's because of having the experience before or just that I knew I couldn't be pregnant right now so close after my last C-section. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. You could tell this one was alot earlier just by the size of everything. Most of it was about a inch wide by a quarter inch thick. With our angel, some pieces were about the size of a cup saucer.

I Can't Sleep!

So it's almost 4 in the morning and have been laying in bed for over a hour trying to get back to sleep but it's just not happening so I figured now would be the perfect time to start this thing. I was refered to this site by friends to help get feelings out in the open and after reading a few Blogs this would probably be a good start for me since I tend to bottle up. I would rather write a note to someone then tell them what's going on in life even with my husband! I also have several highschool friends living so far away from me now and this would be the perfect way for me to let them catch up.

I told my husband I was getting up to eat because I'm sick to my stomach which is true but not completely. I just have thousands of things running through my head and after thinking so much I couldn't sleep. First alittle about myself. I'm 27 yrs old, I have 2 children one is a 4 yr old girl named Alex the other is a 2 yr old named Dominic, I've been with my husband now for 11 yrs, we live in Kansas, I do daycare to help out since I'm a Stay at home mom, and we just got pregnant in October with our little miracle after having a miscarriage in April of 04. We have 4 dogs, 1 cat, 4 fish, and a Hampster. lol

The things going through my head this early AM are things people don't normally think about I'll tell ya that. First What am I going to feed all the kids for breakfast? What about lunch? Will the kids be good for me today? Why was I such a bitch to Dave before bed, that wasn't really called for. Why the hell am I putting myself through this torture of doing daycare? I absolutely hate it but I'm being forced by Dave to make some sort of money to help out. Then of course I thought about the baby we lost back in April, a daily thought by the way, and whenI felt the tears coming I got up before he heard me.

The baby we lost at 12 weeks but found out it had died at 6 weeks along. This means I carried something so small for 6 weeks after it died. We had no idea at all anything had went wrong with this pregnancy till I started spotting. You figure if you have 2 healthy pregnancies before why would this one end up any different. EVERYDAY what if's go through my head and you'd think "she's 18 weeks pregnant now why does this bother her so much?" well it was the life of a child is what I'd answer and also I told so many people we were pregnant that it was embarassing to have to tell them something happened and we lost it. The saddest part for me was to see my poor daughter through the whole thing. Even now she still thinks there are 2 babies occasionally, the one from April and this new one. That morning when I lost the baby at the house I have to say was the biggest bonding moment I ever had with my sister. She showed up to drop off her kids for me to watch and I told her my spotting had gotten alot worse and I was cramping really bad. I was actually on the toilet crying when she walked in. I told her that chunks were coming out of me and I was scared because I didn't know if it was normal for a miscarriage. My dr had told me 2 days before that I was about to miscarry and to be prepared for tissue but I didn't know what I should have expected. Well I think it was when the saucer sized chucks of tissue started coming out with each contraction that we both freaked out and she called 911 for me bawling. I had a piece stuck and Paramedics had to cut it off since it wouldn't expell itself and took me to the ER to make sure I wasn't hemmoraging. It was the most horrific thing my sister and I have ever went through. She was traumatized as much as I was going through it. Even thoughts of it like this makes me start to cry. With all the screaming and crying that my sister and I were doing who knows what our four kids thought was going on in the bathroom. We threw them all into my daughter's bedroom and told them to stay there and don't come out which the 2 oldest ones kept themselves and our babies in there. The what if's I think about daily too. What if I didn't pet my cat? What if I didn't sleep with the electric blanket on? What if I didn't get those dental xrays a week before I found out I was pregnant? What if I would have consistantly took prenatal vitamins like I was supposed to? What if this happened because I got pregnant too soon after Dominic? What if God thought I didn't want this baby that much? Did any of this make a difference in the outcome of the baby?? I'm sure it didn't but I always thinking of these things and others almost daily. It's like I have to figure out what happened but everyone and everything keeps saying "chromosones" which is not something you don't want to believe considering you've already had two perfect children.

The next topic I was thinking about was about daycare. What the hell am I doing? I will say now I LOVE MY KIDS!! They are the best except my son's a bit of a pain sometimes but I DON'T LIKE WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS!! I watch my neices and they are pretty good for the most part. Kaelynn can get a bit mean since she is the same age as Dominic and they fight but Madison is 5 now and really good. Right now I see myself in a mess. I started doing this in 2003 to help out with our income since we decided to have me stay home. Right now I'm watching a newborn, Three 2 yr olds, and Two 5 yr olds plus my 2 yr old son and my daughter when she's home from school. I get calls all the time from people that have been referred to me and am constantly saying "sorry I'm full!" I just couldn't handle anymore this is enough! I have constant fights with the little ones with toys, things being thrown at the new baby, new baby always crying for something, a 2 yr old potty training at the moment, and two 5 yr olds bored out of their mind constantly asking me if they can do this or that and ontop of all that I have my son who's very active and into everything either breaking it or playing with things he shouldn't. I feel like a mean mom and mean sitter because I'm constantly yelling all day at these kids! I try to be nice but it's so hard. My son gets his butt swatted alot during the day because he's into everything! The toilet is his favorite thing. He likes to put things in it like his toothbrush and then use it. He also is a climber and climbs on all our furniture. He's a bully and pushes and hits other kids and I have to watch him all the time because of that. He likes to take my lotion and dump it out all over the carpet, he loves to break CD's or DVD's, He chews Xbox remotes apart and he loves to spit and hit me! What a great kid!! He's like watching 5 kids but he's only one so you'd think it'd be easy but it's not. You can't leave him alone for a second.

So there's a start of things to come. I'm going to TRY to go back to sleep now!