Thursday, April 24, 2008


Oh my head hurts so terribly bad this morning. It's the Children's Church Director's fault though, not mine. She offered it, and I took it all in.

Last night we had Awana which is always a lot of fun for everyone. Last night however, things took a turn in the wrong direction around 8:15. I was sitting in the sanctuary watching over the girls (3rd-6th graders) when S, the Director, starts telling the Awana kiddos about a verse. I can't remember which for the life of me either. She's talking about being confident and fearful of things in life. I've always been amazed by S and how she teaches the kids so I was listening pretty closely. She gets to a point asking the kids if they'd ever wondered why certain things happen in life and if they have ever wanted to scream and then screams herself looking up in the air, "God! Why me?! Why did you do this to me!?! I am so angry with you!!!!" I completely lost it. Well shaking, I took off out of there before tears actually started rolling. Was able to deep breathe and hold composure till out in the hallway the Pastor's wife came up knowing I'm pregnant and said, "so how are you feeling?" And **BOOM** just like that, the waterfall began. She and another lady there ushered me over to a couch to figure out what in the world was wrong.

At first I told her S just hit way too close to home in what she was teaching the kids. Then I told her about the 4 year anniversary this week of the baby we lost and how the week had been so rough because it's all I've thought about. I told her it was the only pregnancy I really expressed that I didn't want, I was mad and bothered about but then I got happy with the idea having 3 kids close. And just like that I started spotting then miscarried at home at 11.5 weeks. I feel totally punished for the way I felt/acted when we were blessed with such an awesome gift. So she prayed for me and told me that our God would never ever punish us and that Satan has been loving putting all these horrible thoughts in my head for the past years. I can't say I feel 100% better about how I feel but she at least got me to quit crying there. lol!!! Somehow I've got to move on, not forget but I just haven't found out how. Dave would rather just forget I think. He wasn't here at home when it happened which I think makes it easier for him to just move on. He just met me at the hospital when I arrived by ambulance.

So after chatting WAY too long, Alex was crying thinking I left her, I obviously had been crying, and Dominic was mad because he got awards last week but they wouldn't give them to him this week too. Damien, Mia and Dave though were fine. I'm sure everyone was wondering what in the world had 3 of us crying before we left. How embarrassing.


Crystal said...

It's okay to still think about it and linger on it, and to not move on. Contrary to popular belief, moving on is not always something we need to do. Sometimes we need to wallow and be in it and that gets us through. You will figure it all out one day. Hugs.

Colleen said...

I did not face what you are facing, but my heart goes out to you. This helped me: the 5 stages of grief.
2.Anger (why me)
3.Bargaining (attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss)

I knew that it was ok to feel the way I was feeling.

Everyone goes through things in their own way. I pray for your journey.