Thursday, April 07, 2005

Seriously Hating My Life at the Moment

I don't totally hate my life but a lot of it I do. I'm so happy to be blessed with my kids, have a sweet husband like Dave, have a nice home, nice car. Things I'm hating about my life are no time for or help with anything, doing daycare, messy house all the time, my fat ass appearance. Things have just gotten worse and worse with me staying home. I don't enjoy it at all anymore. I leave the house maybe 2-3 times a week, I don't dress up, no makeup anymore, I'm a freakin slob. I get up at 6 am to clean the house before kids show up at 7:30 then I TRY to clean while they are here but unsupervised there's a lot of fighting, pulling hair and all that going on in the front room. I feel like I yell all the time. I'm afraid that this baby is going to be scared to death of coming out because all I do is yell all day. Today has been a bad day. I hung up on Dave because I was crying because like usual all hell is breaking loose. I've got a girl stripping out of her clothes and everything I tell her no and stay out of she does it over and over so I've stuck her in timeout twice today. I have a baby who wants to eat all the time, I have my son doing everything he's not supposed to do, I have a girl who cries at all the kids if they even touch or come near her, then the little boy that cries because of toys he wants that someone else is playing with. I have yelled all morning. Now it's naptime and all is quiet for now.

I got laid off right after going back to work 8 weeks after Dominic's birth. I had told my boss I wasn't going to be there much longer because we couldn't justify me working for the $700 we would pay to daycare. As a favor, he laid me off which was great! I LOVED being a SAHM and the kids and I had daily trips to the zoo and park. I'd meet up with friends who also stay home with their kiddos and we'd have a good ol time talking while the kids all played. I was able to do our grocery shopping during the day, take care of bills, etc without much of a problem. During this period I was getting unemployment which was about $200 a week till August when I decided to go ahead and try daycare. I so enjoyed only having my kids home with me, not 6-7 others during the day. Dominic has gotten a little better but he was at a point where if I picked up another kid or changed a diaper he'd get really mad and hug or hit me with something because he didn't like me doing things with the others. Maybe this is why he acts so bad during the day? He's always trying to do something he knows is wrong and that I've gotten onto him before but if I'm not paying direct attention to him he'll do it anyways.

I don't know what to do when this baby comes. I think this summer may be pretty daycare free because a lot of the kids won't be here but when school comes back around I know 4 will. I have to try to make due I guess till June 30th because that's when I told everyone my last day would be. 2 kids should hopefully be gone by then since their mom is a teacher but I have a feeling she may want me some during the summer too. I'm hoping Dave will tell me just to not do it anymore. Fat chance on that. He makes enough for us to live on but he always says "I can't just stay home and do nothing" I would do something, I'd be enjoying life doing things with OUR kids, actually cleaning the house, and getting things done. I would have a lot less stress on my plate which would be nice. Right now I'm so stressed. Today I was so upset I was shaking. That can't be a good sign. I cry a lot too. Just typing that word makes my eyes get blurry again with tears. I don't know really what to think anymore.


Adam's Mom said...

Oh Sabrina! I hate seeing you write like this! What a terrible day you had! I personally think your job is the most difficult and challenging job ever! I don't know how you manage every day. I hope you can drop the day care bit and you can enjoy your kids. Sending you so many hugs!!!

jude said...

Oh Sabrina - I am so sorry that you are going through this emotional roller coaster. I hope that you can find some sort of peace soon. If Dave thinks you are doing nothing all day than maybe he should take a day off work and do your job as a SAHM. Maybe he will think differently after a couple of day's. My mom did that to my dad and he has never complained about it since. The only thing he said was to have supper read by the time he comes home. Which is just left overs from what we had for supper.
((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) I hope you find some sort of level ground soon.