Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Happy Birthday My Sweet Angel ~i~

It would have been a year ago today that you would have been born. Where has the year went! I remember finding out I was pregnant with you March 11, 2004. I was so so shocked. Your brother Dominic was only 12 mths old! You were unplanned but definitely not unwanted. I told your Daddy and his exact words were "we'll be ok we can do it." Your Daddy has always been the most supportive and loving person I've ever known. He's been the best Daddy ever to your brothers and sister. I wish you were here as well to experience his love but I'm sure you look down on us daily and see. I've thought so much of you lately. I try not to cry but it's so hard. Just thinking of the day I lost you will be an engraved nightmare in my head that plays over and over almost every day. That day your Auntie Jill was here to hold my hand as I bawled and lost you in the toilet. I was so terrified by the whole deal I wasn't really coherent to know what I was doing. I was supposed to save what I could so they could test for birth defects but instead I kept flushing the toilet because I couldn't bear to see what was in there. I ended up riding to the hospital in an ambulance just to get the sickening news on the ultrasound that indeed you were gone for good from my body but not from my heart. Daddy and I bawled together as I laid there on the gurney. They gave us time to be alone but I'm sure everyone in the other Emergency Rooms heard our grieving. Were you looking down on us then? Did you see I had to leave wearing Dr scrubs as my clothes were soaked in blood? That was the only comical part of the day I guess if you could even add anything funny.

I wonder so much of what you'd look like, how big you'd be, and what milestones you would have completed. Your little brother looks nothing like Dominic and Alexzandra! Everyone says Damien looks like me and I have wondered if you would have also. Just know that even though you aren't with us, we love you and think of you all the time. Don't forget I carried you till 12 weeks unaware that anything had went wrong. In those weeks we became so attached to you, looking at names, trying to figure out bedroom arrangements and just like that you were gone.

We love you very very very much and will never forget you.

5 comments:

jude said...

Oh babe!

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
We are all here for ya. You can cry on our monitors any time babe!!!

Adam's Mom said...

Sending you huge hugs sweetheart! What a sad anniversary. Love ya!

UREWQ said...

First time I cry reading a post from you. This is the saddest post you have ever written and I can`t even imagine what you must have been feeling when you wrote this.

Many, many, many hugs to you. I am sure your little angel is watching from up above on all of you.

Amie said...

Wow, I can't even imagine. HUGS!

R said...

Second to what Jude said. Some days it makes me really sad. :( i feel your pain.

Love you!

Give those other kiddos hugs!

R