The past few days have been really rough emotionally. I'm not sure what the heck is going on but last night in bed I silently cried while we tried to go to sleep. I woke up at 2:30-4 same thing and couldn't sleep at all and tears just streamed down my face. I was up for 2 hrs the night before too. I'm not unhappy at all with my life, I don't need Happy Pills, I'm just unhappy with myself as of lately. Things with ME are just going all wrong. I'm really upset with my weight and health mainly. First off my weight before Alex was about 170, overweight for sure but I would be so much happier with that than the the 185 I'm at right now. I know 4 pregnancies in 4 years, bad eating, and no time to exercise have alot to do with it. I might be able to lose some weight if my feet weren't always in constant pain. For about a year or so my feet hurt like hell and feel like they pop when I walk. A lot of people have told me it's because I wear so many different pairs of shoes. I don't know, I really should get into the Dr about this. I knew last night I wasn't going to last more than a minute on the treadmill so I didn't even work out, I just watched Alex do her gymnastics. Along with the horrible pain in my popping feet I have tons of pain in my wrists. I know this one is from hauling around Damien, it has to be. I had really bad tendonitis after Dominic was born so I'm sure this is the same thing. I'm just tired of having something always in pain in which the logical thing to do would be go to the Dr, but with the kids it's just not that simple. I may have to take a few days time-out (parent's will love that!) so I can get in and find out why I'm falling apart.
I posted a few weeks ago about a new beginning, talking about how I started taking the birthcontrol pill and was going to start working out so I wouldn't gain tons of weight from being on it, the plan failed miserably. I took the one pill early that morning then broke the fuck down to Dave that night about it. I told him I am so terrified I'm going to gain more weight. I feel like a cow already and I know I gained at least 10 lbs or so in highschool when I was on the pill. Another thing that I was so upset about was the fact that the last cycle I had was normal, the first normal 28 day cycle I had had since Damien was born so if I was "normal" again, I could just do my NFP (Natural Family Planning or Charting) and we could just miss the days like we had when not trying to get pregnant in the past. I prefer this way because you know exactly what's going on with your body, signs are obvious for the most part, and it's hormone free. We decided that we'd just chart since I've done this now for years. I started charting in 3/2002 after a GYN visit when I told her we'd been TTC for awhile with no luck. SO I took 1 pill a few weeks ago and stopped, how's that for messing up on BCP's?? About 4 days after I stopped I started researching the pill I was given (Yasmin) and came across a bunch of stuff on the internet saying patients have lost weight on this pill not much but a few pounds a year is better than nothing.
After reading Rachel's blog the other day about a C-section gone wrong and a blogger who died afterwards and then watching Discovery Channel's Babies Special Delivery that same day where a woman was near death because her placenta grew through her Uterus out of her old C-section scar, that was enough to make me realize NFP is not what I need to be doing right now. As soon as this cycle is over I am going to take the pill. I think 3 C-sections is enough plus I'd like to live to see my kids grow up! I've researched so much in the past on C-sections because I always have wanted the whole 2 boys 2 girls senerio and really it doesn't matter how many you have, it's what your uterus can handle. I've met gals online that ruptured during their 2nd and some who've had more but with lots of scar tissue problems so I was really lucky to have 3 with no problems. I think if we were to have another we'll adopt. Dave has never been to keen on adoption because of the money factor but I know he'd come around.
I hope I haven't bored anyone to death with this post but I know I certainly feel better getting it off my chest. I'm sure as soon as I get on this pill, get my feet fixed up and start working to lose this weight I'll be doing much better.