Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Feeling Guilty

I've been feeling so guilty lately about this pregnancy. The fact that I know several girls who are trying month after month and not getting pregnant being one. Hanging out on the BabyCenter boards, I've met alll sorts of people on there who have tried forever and still can't get pregnant or have had multiple losses and can't seem to carry a pregnancy. When I miscarried 2 yrs ago I clung to Babycenter to get me through the day and meeting some awesome gals who miscarried around the same time. Some had been trying quite awhile, some had just started. Most of us got pregnant again, but a few didn't. One gal had another miscarriage and then got pregnant with a little girl only to have her die two weeks later, just last week. My heart aches for her and I can't even imagine what her and her husband are going through right now. The friend of mine Lori who told me last week "wow you get pregnant easy," then told me of her infertile woes and how she'd love another really made me feel pretty crummy . I have been able to get pregnant pretty easy I guess the past few years but it took 18 mths to get pregnant with Dominic and that was a very hard time for me. We'd time it right, something just wasn't working.

Another sort of guilt I've been dealing with is that maybe I'm doing too much or not taking care of this little one to the best of my ability. Last night while Alex was in gymnastics, I went into the cardio center and hopped on a bike and pedaled away. I did it for 1/2 hour and that whole time was wondering if it was ok that I was doing it. I never worked out when pregnant with the others, walked but nothing like a real workout. After I came home I was so sore, tired, and felt like complete crap. I never feel like that so I'm assuming this is my body telling me to lay off. I went to sleep at 10:30 last night I was so worn out.

I guess I'm just paranoid anymore but the whole orgasm thing while pregnant has me feeling pretty guilty too. I've been trying to AVOID sex because of this. This bothered me with Damien as well and I know there is nothing proven that it causes miscarriages but I feel so awful about it! Someone please tell me I'm not alone! LOL I would rather go the next 230 days or whatever it is without sex then feel like I'm harming the poor kid.

I'll be so glad when I finally get to hear the heartbeat. My first appt is June 7th. I hope my OB will give an early sono so we can see that everything is growing like it should be.


jess said...

I had no idea! First, congratulations! Wow. Those last two will be really close in age - that's great!

I've always felt guilty for being fertile. I completely understand that emotion.

As for other people's opinions on having four in my experience it never goes away. We hear "are they all yours!" on a daily basis as well as "wow, you're busy!" I've come up with all kinds of witty replies, but never use them. It actually bothers my kids though because it makes them feel as though we are "odd" in some way.

Anyway, welcome to the club. It's a good one!

Adam's Mom said...

Don't you feel guilty at all! God deals out different cards to different people. I have a feeling rich people don't feel guilty being rich, you know? If anyone can handle this, it's you!

Crystal said...

OMG! I had no idea either. Welcome to #4.

No need to feel guilty about being fertile. Everyone has at least one cross to bear. For some people, such as myself, it's infertility. For some others, it's their marriage, or their money situation, or their struggle with God, or a struggle with identity. Not that you have any of those issues, but just remember that no woman is an island. Again, congrats!