Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I Just Need To Keep Cleaning and Keep My Mind of Everything

So this is a meltdown. I still have no idea whether the two girls I watch are coming here anymore or if their mom is taking them to our old provider down the street from us starting this week. I feel so fucking betrayed it's not even funny. I'm sitting here so pissed and crying at the moment because I just feel like no one gives a flying fuck (especially Dave) for the FIRST TIME IN 3 1/2 years, he's telling me "don't worry about it, if she doesn't bring the kids just sit home and relax with Damien." Basically since he's making a shitload of money now, it's OK for me to do nothing. I keep getting calls for daycare and as soon as I say "yes I have openings, but I need to let you know we do have our house on the market," it's pretty much an "oh well thanks, but I think I'll keep looking." Dave knows this, he's heard me on the phone with several people the past 4 weeks telling them that line so he thinks I should just close up shop and do absolutely nothing here at home. I know people reading this are probably saying "what the hell? Isn't that you've wanted the past few years anyways??"

Uhh yeah. Here's a post from 1.5 yrs ago.....
What the hell am I doing? I will say now I LOVE MY KIDS!! They are the best except my son's a bit of a pain sometimes but I DON'T LIKE WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS!! I watch my neices and they are pretty good for the most part. Kaelynn can get a bit mean since she is the same age as Dominic and they fight but Madison is 5 now and really good. Right now I see myself in a mess. I started doing this in 2003 to help out with our income since we decided to have me stay home. Right now I'm watching a newborn, Three 2 yr olds, and Two 5 yr olds plus my 2 yr old son and my daughter when she's home from school. I get calls all the time from people that have been referred to me and am constantly saying "sorry I'm full!" I just couldn't handle anymore this is enough! I have constant fights with the little ones with toys, things being thrown at the new baby, new baby always crying for something, a 2 yr old potty training at the moment, and two 5 yr olds bored out of their mind constantly asking me if they can do this or that and ontop of all that I have my son who's very active and into everything either breaking it or playing with things he shouldn't. I feel like a mean mom and mean sitter because I'm constantly yelling all day at these kids! I try to be nice but it's so hard.
And another I found about hating daycare.....

There's not a moment of downtime here. Yesterday, Kaelynn (2) showed up sick again and threw up in her pack n play and was screaming because her blanket was in my washing machine because it had puke on it also.Then, Corbin (2) is acting all cranky when his mother drops him off. GREAT! She found out her child has Acid Reflux and is still cranky during the day but it normally hits him at night. Well he was extremely tired so after crying for awhile he fell asleep right on the floor. I put him in the bedroom to sleep only to return and find that Dominic my son is missing. Instinct has me run for the front door and sure enough there he is in the ditch while it's pouring rain outside looking at the water running through our lovely country culvert.

Well so I guess staying home, no daycare was what I wanted but I guess maybe I need that little bit of crazyiness around here. Maybe I've just lost my mind. I'm only watching 3 kids at the moment, one is school age and then my 3 kids but2 of my kids go back to school in 2 freakin weeks and I'll be here by myself with Damien. That's it, no more daycare kids and I'm supposed to sit here and just clean all damn day, play with him, and watch those 2 girls Mom drive down the street to my traitor neighbor who is fucking me over. I'm positive she's told K and K's mom that for her to save them a spot, she wants them to start coming over right away. And then what if our fucking house doesn't sell? Do I just continue to do nothing and watch all these damn cars going to Diann's house with their kids while I sit on my ass doing nothing??? Obviously Dave thinks so.

He knows how hard it is to get daycare kids in this area since we are out of town in the country so even if we stayed and I got more kids, it's going to take forever to find parents willing to drive here. I live in a subdivision but it's NOT the type where there's 200 houses crammed in a neighborhood, there's like 25-30 houses out here and after you get back to the main road there's miles and miles of wheat, corn and milo fields. The next closest subdivision would be about 2 miles to the east or 3 miles to the South there's nothing North or West but a zillion acres of fields.

I've been trying to take this in stride, if I don't talk about it, I won't start crying and I'm pretty good at hiding how I feel about shit.
UPDATE: As I was bawling when I wrote this, K and K's mom called. I hesitated to answer the phone but did, trying to sound as normal as possible. She asked if we were still trying to get rid of this old school desk we had tried selling in a yard sale, I said yes, and she wanted to come over and buy it in 30 minutes. I said ok. I ran to the bathroom, threw a ton of makeup on and waited. She finally came a hour later. Told me she was going to write me a check for $55, $5 for the desk, $50 for the care even though she owes me $112. She said she'd pay the rest with whatever I watch them in August. I said "so you'll be bringing them this week?" She told me they'll start all day next week until I say I'm done. So I guess I won't be jobless just yet. She's been so wishy washy since she found out we were moving that I told Dave if we do get a contract, I'm not going to tell anyone for awhile so she doesn't try to transfer them ASAP down the street. I'm going to ask our realtor not to put a sold sign on it, not to put anything about a contract in their ad in the paper. That's it for this post. I am emotionally drained and it's only 10 AM.


Adam's Mom said...

Oh sweetie! I am sending you big hugs! For you to have a melt down...it must be bad! I know what you mean about being home all day with one kid and cooking and cleaning - hello that's my sad existance of a life. And I feel bad if I go out during the day to have fun while Shawn is working. Stupid I know but I do. And half the time my cleaning isn't appreciated.

honestly, though I am trying to enjoy the few months I have left with Adam. I know that first week back at work will be hell for me and I'll wish I'd spent more time playing blocks with Adam.

Kristi Ann said...

Well..hopefully things will work out in the end. It is funny how that always happens.. you want something and then it happens and you are like WTF was I thinking? Happens to me ALL the time~

I'll be crossing my fingers on the house selling!! Last thing you need is this stress. You take care of yourself and concentrate on making a healthy baby! *hugs*

Colleen said...

Sorry about the meltdown, we all have them. Just remember you ARE ON DRUGS...hormones are the craziest drugs you can have in your system! Having your job makes you feel like a productive part of your family, but maybe this is a hint from above that you should consider a new direction. Just sit back and laugh, because if your house was full to the gills with daycare kids you'd have a meltdown about how you can't deal with the crazyness. Life is funny isn't it?