Monday, December 18, 2006

Divorce- 16 Years Later

Things here have been going pretty good. I'm still pregnant, down to 3 weeks left and still having your normal aches and pains. Mainly peeing all the time and nerve pains shooting in my legs and stomach. Damien's ears must be doing much better because I think we're up to 5 days sleeping thru the night. I felt awful that I waited 4 days before getting him into the Dr to find out he still had them lingering. Usually he's great about pulling his ears infront of me and letting me know. I think I caught his cold and in turn got my own ear infection. Friday night Alex was having a girl Jessica stay the night and it started feeling odd. Then a hour later I was in pain so luckily we had meds on hand that I could start. It's still stuffed up and I've been trying to pop it to get that fluid out. What a pain!

The weekend couldn't end once again without a disfuctional family bang. My mom and my sisters have all lost their minds. I've just started talking to Jill again after that Easter spiff where she got pissed because I let her know that it's not that hard to go shopping with kids at Walmart and she didn't need a babysitter everytime she did it. I'm still not saying I'm sorry because I don't think I should have to say that I was wrong. It's not my fault that I said something so stupid and she flipped out screaming and left. Whatever.

This latest spiff amounts from me trying to help my Dad figure out my sister Mandi's phone number off his answering machine yesterday. Now being helpful in my family folks can really kick you in the ass let me tell you because this got blown up into this MAJOR ORDEAL. My Dad asked me to listen to the message since he had about 10 times and said that Mandi was leaving a "new phone number." He had just called me the other day asking me about a number and if it was hers because he had 3 wrote down. So being nice I went in there to help fetch the number. Either she was drunk, high, or tired but it was a mumbled message going on about who knows what the hell and at the end reports, "you can call me if you want, my new number is........." I listened to it about 6 times. I thought I had it correct so I tried it and all sorts of variations getting different people's voicemail on my cell phone. Finally I called my mom and she gave it to me. My dad, Karen, and I were WAY off. We caught the first 6 numbers but the rest we could have tried all day and never gotten them off of how it sounded on the message.

So later yesterday evening I'm in my normal bedtime routine with the kids. They've all had baths and snacks and I was reading some books to Alex and Dominic. My Mother calls. Dave came downstairs and sitting on the couch I looked up and said "who was it?" He said "your mother." Then did the crazy sign twisting his finger around his ear and shaking his head no. I knew instantly this was going to be about getting that number from Mom and what I needed it for. I finished up with the kids and called Mom. The first words out of her mouth were "so what was going on today where you needed Mandi's number?" So I told her about the answering machine message and how we couldn't understand anything it said. I told her I caught "I got good grades" and then the word "graduation." It was like this timebomb went off that my Dad was trying to call my sister. INSTANT BAD MOUTING BEGAN. See I can't have a conversation EVER without my mom saying something bad about my Dad and I talk to this woman daily or every other day. They've been divorced 16 years now and she goes on like the divorce happened yesterday. She starts up saying that Mandi wants her dad at her graduation but wants to make sure he's civil. CIVIL?????? Obviously Mandi wasn't at the hospital when Alex was born and Mom tried to pop Karen infront of David. She also didn't see when Mom walked up to Karen and said "oh thats a nice watch, I have one just like that." Smarting off and trying to pick a fight. Dave told me everything was fine out in the waiting room because he knew that was the last thing I needed to concentrate on. After I found out about all of what happened being off Demerol and Morphine I was so upset. Now 6 years later and 3 kids a year having birthday parties, they are fine in the same house together. There's not much talking just an occasional acknowledgement such as "Hi Vickie." shakes her head "Kent." My mother though insists that there needs to be MORE acknowledgement and that they should be able to talk about us girls together because they are our parents. WHAT????? What could our mom POSSIBLY need to discuss with him about us?? We are grown adults. If I'm on life support guess who's taking on that responsibility, Dave. If something happens and we need to discuss it with my parents, we'll do it to each. We don't need to tell my mom and have her call my dad. What the hell?? So the phone call gets all out of hand because she's basically pissed that my dad was going to call my sister and she's wanting to talk to my dad about Mandi's graduation but she can't unless she writes him a letter because Dad tries to stay as far away from talking to her as possible. Then I get hung up on.

I called my sister and told her on a message that "I don't know what the hell you told mom but she's flipping out about Dad." So then my sister calls me all pissed off saying how she doesn't need all this crap, yadda yadda. I told her that whatever she discussed with Mom, mom is turning it into a huge fiasco again that Dad is just awful and he needs to talk to her about her upcoming graduation from college. It was almost instantaneous, she goes into this remember this child mode. She instantly turned into the past with my dad. People, my Mother brainwashed us as kids. I finally got Jill to realize his a few years ago when talking to her and she was 7 when they divorced. My sister Mandi remembers all these things because my mom brings them up OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I'm 29 they divorced when I was 12. Mandi was 6. There's no way you can remember that vividly 16 years later. Over the years as a kid, my mom had me say things to my Dad or report things to her when we visited and then would call and go psycho on him. It's no wonder he was constantly changing his number or telling us maybe it wasn't a good idea we came over. He's told me that alot of his actions towards us were a direct result of how Mom would chase him around town or call him. Mandi still remembers that Dad said something about "Karen's going to be first in my life now." I barely even remember that or where and when it happened. How can Mandi? Because she told my mother and she's instilled it in her head over and over the past 16 years for the past 16 years. Mandi remembers all the bad about Dad but she doesn't remember anything that my Mom did.

Here's a few things I remember at my young age of 12-13 years old. I remember my mom shoving around my dad because he didn't want to listen to her bullshit and he'd retreat to the TV in the basement. One day he was on his way to the bedroom and she started pushing him and she almost fell down the stairs. From there she started screaming and bawling saying call 911. Of course as kids we're bawling thinking he's a monster. I remember babysitting my sisters every weekend on friday and saturday nights so she could go to two of her favorite bars and bringing guys home. There was Keiser, 2 different Terry's, Jim, Bontrager, Steve, etc. I remember her having these guys stay the night and me banging on the bedroom door telling her to get them out of the house because I didn't want them there. I remember her not giving a shit about how I felt about that and nearly all those guys moved into our house. I remember her not defending me at all when Steve beat the shit out of me forcing me out our house by social services for 2 weeks and living with my cousin because he was right and I was wrong, Steve was first in her life then. I ended up having a social worker for a year because of that making sure that I was safe. And infact none of us were. I called 911 four times for him beating up on my mom yet she still stayed with him even after he was arrested for stalking a woman at our local grocerry store. I remember her telling to march up to my Dad's house and telling him he's a pussy whooped mother fucker and tell him I never wanted to see him again. And I did it. I remember her taking a bottle of alcohol she found in my room and taking it to his house blaming him for it when infact alot of my teenage actions were from all the shit going on from her and Steve. See in my Mother's eyes, she thinks just because we lived there and she took care of us the rest of our years till we turned 18, that she took care of us and anything wrong that happened was a direct result of my Dad being gone. It was all his fault and with us being so young, she had plenty of time to brainwash it into our heads that "your dad used to do this...." "Your dad left me because he wanted Karen" "Your dad doesn't care about you because he has Karen." "Your dad's a stupid motherfucker." So let's think from age 6 to 24 and my sister hardly ever trying to get close to my dad because mom led her to believe that he's this horrible person, that's ALOT of badmouthing but as I said, Mom can do no wrong. Even when telling her daughter to lie if anyone at school asked where the bruises around my neck came from and the handprints bruised into my arms.

So here's the deal, it happened, it's the past, we need to move on. I have but Mandi can't. She can't because she is still too attached to my Mom and her every word. Mandi says everytime she talks to Dad he and Karen badmouth Mom. I know Dave and I crack jokes about my mom's crazy behavior and they might say something comical in return but they have never just started out saying "your mom's a stupid bitch" or anything like that for that matter. I've heard "your mom tried calling about something to do with Mandi's insurance, have you talked to Mandi lately" They have never badmouthed Mom as she has to them the past 16 years. She's been so bad that alot of their friends when they were together, don't really want to speak to mom, they will but it's mainly out of being nice. I remember growing up when that was the case how she threw a huge fit about "dad telling everyone what a bad person she was." I highly doubt that. I think it was more of the fact that she was telling these people all these awful things he did and them saying I'm keeping out of it.

This leads me to the end of my rant. I cried last night. I bawled and bawled and Dave held onto me like the sweet guy he is and told me it'd be ok and that it's not my fault I always get drug into every little spiff between Mandi, Mom and Dad and he's right. My mom calls me once a month saying something along the lines of "you need to tell your dad this about Mandi." although this time it was me trying to HELP my dad call her. I thought about the past and told him some things I remembered before I started seeing him and said we'd never ever better get a divorce. Just thinking of putting our kids through that gets to me. No Way. He's the ONLY thing that probably kept me from going down the wrong roads in life because we got together so young. We were 16. I clung to him and his family for dear life and they accepted me with loving arms. Of course I didn't know that his dad Tony knew my mom's husband Steve and he knew what a monster he really was. They wanted me to move in and get away from the mess and I pretty much was there everyday afterschool till bedtime and every weekend till my cerfew of 2. I know my sisters didn't have an escape like I did because they were too young and I feel bad for that. After I got the hell out of that house at 18, they still had to sit there for more years of listening to Mom and never even bothering to contact Dad because so much damage had been done.

I'd say Mandi tries contacting Dad maybe every 2 months. It's not often at all and I bet or actually I could probably guarentee that when she doesn't hear back immediately from him, my mom starts in with her "your dad isn't going to call because..." shit. Mandi wrote some harsh letters to my dad (courtesy of Mom's badmouthing of course) If anyone is back in the highschool era, it's my Mom. She just can't leave it. Dad's left it but he'll never escape her hounding him for some kind of relationship. She seriously thinks they should be buddy buddy. I'm sure my parents aren't the only divorced that don't speak. It took me ten years (when I was 22 and pregnant) to realize the important things in life. From 12 to 22 it was on and off that I would talk to my dad. It was when I was pregnant with Alex and I didn't really like the fact that she'd never know my dad because of my stupid behavior that we made a move. Since I didn't have his phone number, Dave and I went to his house. It was ackward at first. I was 7 months pregnant and they had heard it from one of David's friends. He told me he was pretty crushed that we didn't bother to tell him and he had to hear from another source but he was glad that we came by. We talked about things for awhile then went home. For seven years now I've been talking to my Dad, we get along great, and my mother hasn't got in the way. She's always pushing buttons and prying though for information, and I'll never escape that unless I cut her off. Anymore, she can call me I really have no real reasons to call her, she brings too much negativity into my life and too much damn drama. I love the woman but the way she acts scares me. This blog reflects alot of the drama and her pushing my buttons if you've read some of those posts. As for the end of the night I was done with it and refused to pick up the phone and D and I layed on the couch together. Mandi left 2 messages on the cell phone voice mail and my Mom called and Dave couldn't help but to answer the phone and tell her where to go. He basically told her I was done with it, and stop bringing me into Mandi and Dad's relationship and to let Mandi deal with Dad and to stop interfering. He said Mom wasn't quite happy hearing that. lol He's the regular joker always trying to make me laugh though and said to me "I bet Mike (my stepdad now) is at home listening to her drinking down a 12 pack as fast as he can."


Crystal said...

Well, first, I'm sorry that you feel sick with an ear infection. A is sick too and I just feel it's right around the corner. I ALWAYS get sick when he's sick.

I read through your entire post and it was very heartfelt. I think you are doing the right thing by taking yourself 100% out of the relationship between yourself and Mandi and your dad and mom. It sounds like your mom is not over the past yet. It's time to move on. It's difficult to move forward when you are living in a different era.

Anonymous said...

Sabrina- Sorry you are dealing with so much crap from your mom and Mandi. I hope that Dave telling your mom that you are done helps.

I hope you feel better soon too!

Anonymous said...

Sabrina- Sorry you are dealing with so much crap from your mom and Mandi. I hope that Dave telling your mom that you are done helps.

I hope you feel better soon too!