Ashamed

Sorry this is a downer post. I feel like a zombie this morning. Ok so the crying started a bit early, actually last night and through the wee hours of the morning. You'd think we were going to a funeral tomorrow instead of attending our newest kiddos birth. Just a rush of emotions maybe? Dave is trying to be supportive asking "what can I do" but I don't think there's much. Surgery is not my issue at the moment. It's the other things and I'm abit ashamed that I'm even thinking this way because I really am excited that we're having her tomorrow.

First, if we go back to the beginning of May when I found out I was pregnant, you'll remember this was not planned at all. I was using OPKS for tracking Ovulation so we knew when NOT to do it, even using like 15 days worth in a row and they all said negative that month. Then after I got the positive there was alot of resentment from D, crying from me, finally he was ok with it then we told everyone around 8 weeks but I made him lie too and we told everyone it was planned. For some reason having this all unplanned is really bugging me, it doesn't feel the same now like with Dominic and Damien. With the boys, they were planned and made with love. We had a bedroom all done up for each of them, and was ready to go. Right now, I feel like a 15 yr old who accidently got pregnant on a one night stand and decided to keep the kid. Not only was she not planned but we just don't have the room here for her. Mia has a near new pack in play bassinet in our room and her clothes all washed and in Dominic's closet since we have no room anywhere here. She does have a brand new pink carseat though! I will squish her eventually into Damien's room as soon as she starts sleeping through the night. But anyways so that's one thing that's going through my mind.

Secondly I'm watching Damien the past few days and I just can't imagine having a newborn here when he's still a baby himself. At first I thought 18 months would be a perfect gap but now I'm starting to realize this is going to be hard. With Dominic high strung, Damien always clinging to me and crying when he's upset and now a newborn I don't see how I'll be able to do this. Looking at Damien you'd think he's so much younger than what he is. He still hasn't said anything but uh oh, un uh, ha ha, mama, dada, and dis. He points alot and shakes his head yes and no but he doesn't even have a mouthful of teeth yet. He uses a binkie religiously still at bedtime and when he's really upset. He hangs on me all the time and hates when I leave him even to go to the bathroom. I am thankful though that Alex is 6 and going to be able to help out some. I see lots of allowance money going into her piggy bank.

Last Dave told me this weekend he was wrong about his vacation. Basically he didn't use up his 2 weeks last year and it started over in January so he lost all that time. So now that a new year is here, he can use up his whole 2 weeks but then there's nothing for the rest of the year and we don't want that. He's only going to be able to take off a week at the most. I am going to drown. That's all there is to it. He plans to go back on Jan 16th. Alot of this is because he's worried about money too. It's all he worries about and even though there's money in the savings, he won't want to use it. This is what happened last time with Damien and why I sank into such a low place after Damien was born. I know other people would gladly come over to help but it's not really that fact, it's the fact that with my raging hormones, I want him here.

So anyways I am looking forward tomorrow, I really am. I want to meet her and see who's been causing me all this pain in my bladder and crotch the past few months. I just don't think I'm ready for the coming home part. lol I'm still worried about the surgery but I've survived 3 times now so I'm sure I'll be fine. As soon as it's all over and I'm able to get around I'll post pictures on here. I'm hoping she has lots of hair!