Thursday, August 09, 2007

More of My Moaning and Groaning

(big sigh) I've been feeling pretty worthless lately. I have that feeling quite a bit (I won't lie) but I did not get the daycare job and I think that even though I really thought I wouldn't care if I didn't get it, well I did care. Then my sister who said that she would have me also watch her daughter after preschool told me she changed her mind since the center agreed to drop the rate after I told her she should tell them what I said. An extra $550 a month for 2 kids would have been great! Dave is not pushing me at all about making money but he used to and now I just feel like I honestly should do something to help out.

I am not making squat on this Avon deal but I really don't have time to run around passing out books and calling people for orders. I tell more people about the website because it's the easiest way for me to make any money if anyone would like to buy. There people can shop at their own convenience, no hounding from me. I'm not the type to cram cosmetics in your face but if you want something, I'd be glad to help. Anyways I'm having a hard time doing nothing but playing mommy. I wake up at 6:30 every morning and the first thing that comes to mind is, Dave's at work making money and I'm not doing squat today, just playing with kids. I should be happy right? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being home with my kids, I'm just not enjoying the lack of productivity out of myself.

We're really not doing bad on money at all, it varies month to month, but Dave is now hounding me that he'd like to see about $1K a month in the savings. Is that not some pressure? I could probably do it but I've been trying to finish paying off our minivan so we'll be debt free except the house. Well last month, I failed. When I told him that I overcharged the credit card some so I made a payment of $1300 to it you could tell he was a bit disappointed but told me not to charge that card anymore and if I do, pay it off by the end of the month which has always been the case. I have the hardest time saving money and I really wish his job had a savings plan in effect besides a 401K. Last month I tried showing him even what all the money goes to, I felt like such failure.

Even around this house I feel like a failure. I have no structure right now. I can't get everything done. I feel like maybe I'm on the Internet too much and even limiting it, there's no real change. I don't get it. I can maybe be online for 1 hour a day and nothing gets done. There's not enough hours in the day is one problem but I know another is having 2 older kids bored to death terrorizing each other and tearing up the house all day. I just can't keep up. I want to do SO MANY THINGS but I can't. Maybe if I stayed up all night but I just don't see that happening since I about fall over at 10:30. By 11 pm I'm dead to the world. Here are a few things I'd like.

  • I would love to cook more, without interruptions. Homemade food. Not using my bread maker to make bread or cookie mixes for cookies.
  • I want to have a majority of my house cleaned by noon.
  • I would like to get back on schedule with the kids, especially nap time with Mia and Damien.
  • I want to sew! I want to get back into crafts! I want to fit crafts back into my schedule.
  • I want to continue to limit myself online. Unless it's FlyLady or something that helps around here, I need to stop piddle farting on here all the time
And last I'll leave a video. I realized that I always talk about how behind my boys are but I never really shown any videos of how behind they really are. It's been a hard few years going through the whole situation of getting one boy to say ANYTHING and then here we are going through it again with another. Damien is still so much a baby to me because he's (according to the Speech Pathologist) talking a a 9 month level. So here's my little guy playing Monster Trucks. You'll here him spit all the time especially when he says "yes" which is why they are leaning towards Apraxia. He's still stuck on using. "mamma, dadda, yes, uh uh, yeah, eeze!, uh oh!, ahh (bye)

I should also mention I finally updated Dominic's site for those interested in reading.


Jess T said...

It seems like you are overwhelmed. Sorry. I would suggest setting up a Supernanny-like schedule and see how it goes. Make adjustments and start slow.

You've made a list. Try to work in one thing here and there until you get what you want.

Try not to get discouraged. The job you are doing is much bigger than a spotless house and also VERY productive! :) I admire you for staying home with your kids.

Rhonda said...

Oh hun!!! I hear you on feeling useless. I have been feeling that way lately too. I am so ready to go back to work for the money reasons, but love being home so much that I can't do it. I have trouble getting everything done and I only have 2 kids!!! I have lost my craft and sewing time too. I hope you find a way to get it back! And when you do, let me know what you did!!!

Adam's Mom said...

please know you are not useless! Oh my goodness - you are such a hands on mom and you do so much every day! I am the useless one! You should see my lately - not putting my laundry away, cooking half-assed meals, Shawn's stuck with the cleaning. I really can't get my ass in gear lately. Hopefully when this first trimester is over I'll have some energy back!

Sending you hugs girl! You are a great mom and wife and do more in two hours than I do in a day!

(oh and PS: nothing wrong with cake mixes!)

Deanne said...

You are NOT useless! I know in the summertime we are so busy that all my normal routines get messed up. I will bet once Alex and Dom are back in school you will have more time. Plus, I don't think I could work and have 4 kids, it would just be too much. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, you do a fantastic job! Hang in there. :)