My weekend started lovely with good ol' Aunt Flo starting at the butt crack of dawn Saturday morning. What a treat, eh? I knew she'd be here shortly but I'm getting a bit irritated with this early arrival thing. I told D Friday evening before bed that she would be there by morning. His response was the first time I guess I've been shocked and thought to myself, maybe he isn't lying and doesn't want anymore kids? He said "so you're not pregnant huh." Surprised but then acted a bit relieved in a way. Maybe it's just hormones but it really made me sad! I think I must have gave him a really blank stare and then shut the light off, rolled over to go to sleep because he cuddled close and said, "you're not mad are you? I'm sorry." I told him just go to bed.
Now I could have just left it alone but I couldn't. Ever since I was pregnant with Mia and he said he was done when I said I wasn't, I told him he was lying. Then she was born and he has insisted we were done the past 7 months. He'd crack jokes about selling off all the baby clothes, getting a 6 passenger car, joke that Mia's our last. All these months though I just laughed and laughed and thought, he's such a big fat liar!! Well Friday night after seeing this "relief" come from him, I questioned myself that maybe I AM wrong. Maybe it's all in my head? How could I be though? Honestly, I'd been praying for MONTHS about this, I just want an answer! The answers he had gave me were so unclear!! Saying if we had another girl her name would be Gabriella? Telling me he didn't want to do a V. Every time I had prayed, there was a calm about it that would sweep over me that things would be fine, don't be worried, and that I'm not getting the whole truth. A kinda "hang in there" type feeling. So I've been hanging and hanging.
I guess the worst feeling for me is being with someone for HALF OF YOUR LIFE, and feeling like you don't know everything you thought you knew. I know him from the outside in. I can tell you usually what's on his mind or what he's thinking. We've always been that way with each other. So Sunday I approached him after we got home from church and asked him to come to the bedroom so we could talk. He did and I started by saying, "since it's that time of the month, I'm a bit emotional." I told him over and over he was a liar and I needed him to stop it because it was killing me. Then I practically begged him in tears to please tell me truth just once!! I think what hit him hardest was when I told him that I knew everything else to him but I just can't believe in his heart that he believes that he's done because my heart was telling me a totally different story. It was pretty emotional and he had a hard time holding back tears. He said he definitely wants more kids but is just scared of money and being able to support them. Who doesn't worry about that? BUT he loves the kids and wants more. That's all I needed to hear! I felt like this weight had been lifted from me! Finally!! Now I have an answer, now I know all these jokes are just a show, now I know I'm not crazy, now I can move on and stop dwelling!!! Although trying again is not in the works, we decided if it happens again though, we'll both feel extremely grateful to be blessed again. :)