Monday, October 27, 2008

The "I Need A Shrink" Edition ~ Sophia 13 Days Old

I had a pretty decent weekend although it was FULL of tears. Friday was Dave's birthday and even though I could have taken Damien, Mia and Sophia to the store to buy Dave a present, I am still a bit sore down on that incision and knew I probably shouldn't. A friend called that morning and asked if I wanted a break or if I needed anything at all at Walmart. I took her up on buying Dave's present so she wouldn't lose her mind coming over to watch my 3 plus she had her son. She bought Dave the new AC/DC Cd and brought it by. That night we got the kids to bed at 8 and ordered some yummy Mexican food in, watched TV and had cake and ice cream in peace. We went to bed at 11. The next morning I woke up and 7 and he wasn't in bed. I thought maybe he was in the bathroom so I just jumped across the bed to pump. 10 minutes later I still hadn't heard from him but all the kids were waking up. I went to look out the front door and his car was gone. I had no idea he was working on Saturday so I totally lost it. I called him and started screaming and crying at about the same time Mia, Damien and Sophia were all screaming over different things. I called back a 2nd time and told him I was through with everything and could not do this whole gig anymore then hung up on him. I missed the last Farmer's Market of the year and we didn't get to go on our other regular Saturday morning outing which is another Market that sells bulk speciality foods, produce, etc. I was peeved.

He came home around 1 and we had a decent afternoon together and didn't talk about my little phone outburst at all. We had a family reunion to get to at 5 so we went to that and then took our kids to my sister's house for a few hours so we could go over to a friend's Halloween party for some much needed adult time. Crap that was nice while it lasted. lol I drank a small amount of this chocolate/rasberry martini concoction which was divine!

We came home around 10:30 with everyone and put them all to bed. Bailey our dachshund had been outside running around and I called for him to come in but he never did. All the way up till midnight I kept looking outside but no dog. I told Dave I had a bad feeling something was wrong but he's stayed out at night several times so I figured he was just in the barn and didn't want to come in.Sunday morning Dave and Alex ran out to get the paper so I asked if Bailey was out there and neither saw him. I decided to go out there and look around and I opened the front door to see Bailey only 15 feet from the front door near the flower bed. He was flat on the ground like he was sunning but when I called for him he'd barely lift his head. I ran over to him and picked him up. He was nearly dead and when I say that I mean his body was so stiff it didn't move when I picked him up and it was flat. So was the ground which means that he laid there all night in the freezing cold. We kept him in a box all day in the bathroom. Neither set of legs work. They fold when you try to have him stand. This morning it's the same thing. He's at the vet now and the outlook is pretty grim. The vet thinks his back has just given out or he's endured some sort of trauma either from the horse stepping on him or a car. He has no marks on him at all though. You might guess this has added to my stress. Dave and I have decided we owe it to Bailey to atleast do X-rays before making any decisions. Putting a dog down could traumatize me for a very long time if that's what we have to do. I've seen 3 close pets through death, our cocketiel died in my hands and it was horrific. I will never forget her gasping, flapping around and then falling over dead. We've had Bailey for 10.5 yrs since he was a 8 week old puppy.

I have tried to get things out in the open with Dave about all this emotional junk I'm going through. I think alot of it is just anxiety. I'm flipping out over everything. I told the nurse at my OB office it's not the kids at all and I've told Dave it's not him, but his loyality to his job is at the top of the list. I keep thinking of the C-section and freaking out that I told my OB to tie my tubes. She always asks one last time before closing me up. I am always so out of it I don't know what I said. I keep thinking that Sophia is our last because of what my OB had told me during surgery and I don't want her to be. I am freaking out over putting Sophia through a surgery.
I'm overwhelmed with housework and a schedule of things to take care of from Dr's appointments to room parties or even making dinner. Most days I make laundry and dishes my only priorities and I feel lucky to even get THOSE done. Breastfeeding is not improving but she's a champ eating pumped bottles so we're doing more of that than anything. I've got the Health Department LC and one at the clinic wanting to help more than ever because of her mouth. It's just a whirlwind of freakin crap and I feel like everything is hopeless at the moment. I know things will get better though, they always do.

In other news we took all 5 kids on their 2nd outing with us last night to the groccery store. I can't even begin to describe how frightening this is for me now. I haven't even tried to take all 5 by myself yet. It went well except for Mia beating up on the boys. She is so agressive to everyone and I can't figure out what to do with her. Now that we have a baby in the house, she loves her sister to death (literally we have found her ontop of her in the bouncer kissing her) but then also tries to act like a baby herself. My swing is going to collapse to the floor because she keeps putting her 25 lb butt into it or grabbing play dollie bottles and sitting in the car seat carrier.

A few last bits of info, I guess Dave's cousin was sad that I chose Sophia as our little one's name because she has had 2 losses and wanted to name one Sophia if it was a girl. When I heard this in the hospital from his aunt I hoped she wouldn't care but I was going to stick to the name. I don't know if anyone else has had this happen. Well she came to visit us in the hospital and kind of mentioned the name but didn't say much. I told her in 2 weeks she would be pregnant. She thought I was joking (probably because I was high on narcotics) but I told her it was her turn because when she had Emma I found out I was pregnant with Mia and now that I had Sophia she would find out she was pregnant. Well, she just found out. I hope and pray this pregnancy sticks for them and Emma gets a little sibling.
So here's the last bit of stress to add to the pot. Are you ready???? Well Dave's boss has announced that Thursday will be his last day to work and he's quitting. He's been there for about 3 yrs or so. I don't know what is going to happen now. This could be a good/bad thing (promotion/Dave works more) or bad thing (the other service mgr takes over the branch) I'll update as soon as I know more but I'm a bit freaked out about the whole deal.


Mama Kalila said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of that... I know how rough that is & will be praying for you.

Cindy said...

((((Sabrina)))) I am sure you don't want to hear this, but call your DR girl, you have ALOT going on, and you need some relief. Just listening to it all makes me so sad for you. I have been there myself, so I can hear it in just the way you are telling things, and it sucks! I have already told my DR that when this baby comes, I need meds, so she wants me to start them at 36/37 weeks. I am OK with 37, since my husband is leaving 4 days later. I have no idea how I will do a year alone with NO help, but I have to, I have no choice. I just think that my help will be the meds.

PLEASE talk to your DR. PLEASE I am really worried about you.

BTW, I LOVE The headband on the baby, where did you get it? If you made it, YOU have to make me one for Kloe LOL. Not that you have all kind of free time and all LOL.

kbreints said...

Holy crap woman. You are dealing with a lot. I agree with cindy. Make yourslf a priority and call the Dr. for YOU.

I am thinking about you...


Leslie said...

You've got a heck of a lot going on. Please call your dr...if you don't want to talk to the dr. then talk to the nurse you've been talking too. She'll be able to help.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Haley said...

I am so sorry you are going through this Sabrina.

Please call your dr. you don't need to suffer, take care of yourself.

Thinking of you,