Sumo Sophie

We went in today for a 4 month visit...with shots. Yuck. Sophia is now 16lbs and 25 1/2 inches. Mia went in with us for her 2 year and she's 27.5 lbs and 37.5 inches. I have some pretty big girls! I like knocking out 2 kids appointments at once even though they are more frustrating when adding more kids into the mix. Sophia did pretty well. After shots we gave her the Rotovirus syrup which made her calm down. Mia however rebelled against having her head circumference measured, her height taken, and having her mouth looked into. She continuely tried biting and kicking us. I told the nurse the only way I could get her to do any of this was to get physical so she said "go for it." I ended up holding her down and prying her mouth open during the appointment while she growled "no way" over and over. She also kept trying to open the door and run away. She's learned way too much from her brothers.

Dear Daddy:

The few nights ago when I came to bed after taking my first pill you were really upset and said you felt like this was all your fault. That broke my heart. I told you then but again please know that it is not. Your work is demanding and yes it is very hard on me but I should be able to get through a day without you and get things around here done. When you are home, you help me through what I needed to do. You take over, you let me leave, you are always there for me every night with hugs asking what you can do since I'm always so sore and tired. I love you so much for trying to make this all easier. It means the world to me.

Loving Him More and More Each Day

I never want to forget last night. We were watching the new episode of Big Love. Sarah, the daughter on the show who was pregnant was in the bathroom in the middle of the night and was discovered by one her mom's Nikki. When she flung open the door she found her miscarrying on the toilet. Dave left the room in tears and went to the bathroom. Of course I started crying on the couch from my own lovely memories. :( I tracked him down and we just gave each other big sobbing hugs. I'm glad to know 5 years later it still hurts him just as much as it hurts me.

6!!!

Dom's birthday party was Saturday and it went great! I won't lie, I was a stressed out mess cleaning and preparing for it but I made it through. This was our first "friend" party at our house on the inside. Alex had a pool party once but since it's winter this was in the basement. It's alittle tricky because our house is only 2000 sq ft. We have a full basement though that's a bit roomier than the rest of the house. Alex's room is in the basement along with the laundry, bar, pool table, Foosball table and we have a 2nd living area. The kids kind of split between Foosball and the Wii games. Dominic has a crush on the little red head we believe. He wanted so badly to call Sophia "Megan" when she was born. I discovered when going to the school one day there was this girl in his class named Megan and he was quick to introduce us. lol

We just bought that Outdoor Wii game with the mat and it is alot of fun! If you have a Wii I recommend it! The mat is for 2 players. Alex and I love the log jump.

Two Happy Little Kiddos

This is what happens when you go to Walmart and Target in search of end cap clearance. Birthdays after Christmas ROCK for mom's and dad's! Should have paid $240 but paid $117.00 and they were both things the kids wanted. :)

Nintendo DS, Oh How I Love Thou

Today was my appointment. Fun fun! A friend from playgroup watched the 3 little ones for me so I could go. My husband bought me a Nintendo DS for Valentine's Day and the game Brain Age. It was so fun sitting there and playing games while waiting! I was so happy to have that thing today because I was there for 2.5 hours!! By the time I got home Camille was watching my whole herd. lol

To my Dr, I am a classic PPD case. We did blood work to see if my blood sugar or thyroid is out of whack. My grandpa is Diabetic and my mother, grandpa and uncle have Grave's Disease so I usually do blood work once a year anyways. It's always came out ok, we'll hope for the same this time around. He did tell me being pregnant back to back so many times can really mess with a woman. I guess your body can take a full year to fix the hormonal issues from a pregnancy and I'm usually pregnant before the last few kids even turned a year old. I told him some of the issues have lingered forever so maybe that's why?? I just have always figured being a mom it's normal to be tired, cranky, sore. The excessive crying out of the blue was really the only big thing that triggered me to think something else was going on. Being paranoid or fearing things usually puts me in tears as well. He really wants me to quit breastfeeding. Thinks it's doing more harm to me than good. I hate breastfeeding but I "need" to do it. I think I owe it to her to hang in there as long as possible. I've gained about 10 lbs the past few months and I've never had weight gain when breastfeeding either so if I quit I really worry about what might happen then.

So here's his plan. Exercise, date nights (lol), quit breastfeeding, counseling, and Prozac...seriously. He really thinks I'm stressed out and wants me to make time for myself and for Dave. I don't think people get it that it's HARD to do this. I have to go back in 2 weeks for a follow up. I don't think this is the best time for me to quit breastfeeding. I think that's just going to make matters worse because I can tell you from the past 4 experiences I get really upset when I have to quit. Even though I hate breastfeeding it will kill me to quit. So that's the plan.

My husband called when I first arrived. He told me just so I know he is not mad at me. I was a bit confused why he was telling me this but apparently last night he had a stuffy nose and got up quite a few times to the bathroom for medicine, Kleenex and every time he got up I would say "you aren't mad at me are you?" He said I kept saying it over and over and I have no knowledge of this. So not only am I paranoid while awake, now I'm even paranoid in my sleep. I'm just a big screwed up mess! lol

Is This It???

Yesterday was Parent-Teacher Conferences and a VERY busy day around here. I missed playgroup but picked up 1500 boxes of cookies then Dave ended up driving from work straight to conferences while I kept the kids since I never found a sitter. While he was gone I fed the kids and then he took Alex to her 4H Club meeting. It was an exhausting day!

When Dave came home after Parent Teacher conferences he told me that Dominic's teacher said we should think about holding Dominic back due to his "maturity level." He was not happy it all and neither was I after hearing it. He said he must have gave her a dirty look because she said this is optional however he's not up to par with the class. His grades are pretty average it's just his attention, actions and behavior in the classroom. This is a sad sad day because it's becoming more and more clear that now we may have to do something about it. For 2 years now the option of medicine has always been there but I've put it off because seriously, who really wants to dope up their kid everyday? And I really don't want him acting any different than himself....well maybe a little less strange and less hyper but I don't want a zombified child. My uncle who's son has ADHD and Autism and told me over and over don't let the school win the battle and how much he regret putting his son on meds and now I'm afraid this battle is about to begin. He had 2 1/2 years of Early intervention preschool before Kindergarten, has a mid school birthday. He'd be a 7 year old Kindergartner. He was also told because of State budget cuts that any hope of summer schooling to keep him from sliding is out the door so I'll probably be forking out for Sylvan.

When I asked Dave about at least "trying" the medicine the answer was a quick no. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like everything/everyone is against me at the moment.

Down To The Bottom Of This

Have you ever noticed how back and forth this blog is? Yesterday was a bad, bad day. Why? No reason at all but I cried all day. By 5 pm my shoulders and neck were killing me. At 7 pm I text'd Dave to ask if he was on his way yet and the answer back was he hadn't even left the office. By 9 pm, 14 hours from when I last saw him he came in the door. Went to bed around 11:15, I fell asleep around 1.

Yesterday morning after the crying started I decided to mosey online and look up depression. Sadly I'm afraid that may be my problem. People here and everywhere else have tried telling me this but I like to tune out what I don't want to hear. ;) I've seem to sunk into this hole ever since Sophia came. Some days I feel fine but then others I'm just sobbing uncontrollably. It was kinda like that while I was pregnant with her too but I'd say the past few months it's been worse. I just can't see how you can have depression and be both happy and sad. I am happy quite a bit.

I was given surveys after her birth. It's kind of stupid to give a survey to someone who believes everything is fine though. I could sway it any way I wanted to infact I probably did. My OB office was on the ball at my 6 week postpartum appointment but when people accuse or question you of something you don't want to believe..... you just lie or tend to not believe it I guess because you don't think it's that big of a deal. Dave called my OB office yesterday and they told him this is no longer PPD, it's another type of depression and I have to get in immediately. Stephanie whom I have lied to numerous times (if you remember I gave her a hug saying I was fine last i saw her in November) called me and told me she wasn't surprised to hear something was still going on and it's ok! No it's not. This is not OK! She told me I can't keep going on believing things happening are normal which in a way I suppose they aren't. Then she gave me a on the phone survey (insert rolling eyes) and said she was happy to hear I wasn't thinking of killing any family or myself.

So now I have an appt with my GP Doctor to figure this out. I really don't know. I wish there was a way I could say I was making this all up. I really don't want anyone to think I'm depressed because I'm a mom of 5 and my kids are running me into the grave. Yes there's stress but it's not the kids. I think I've said that more times than I can count when people have CAUGHT me upset. It's just common assumption she's upset because she's put herself in this place. It's so hard to explain. Honestly I really can't explain myself.

Some things I guess that had been happening that I know aren't normal is just these deep thoughts. This whole idea that Dave has been messing around with a girl in the office has been going on for quite a while, about a year, but it's CONSUMED me to where I think about it all the time and I accused him upfront on about 3 occasions the past year putting us both in tears. He leaves for work and I start having this huge fear or panic that he's going to be in an accident or he's never coming back and I just can't live without him. But then i sit around and think...if I wanted to leave, how could I because I'm a mom of 5, no job, no money...I'm trapped. I don't want to leave him at all though. I think all day about tragedy friends or others are facing in their lives alot too. Dave gets so fed up of me on a daily basis always being "tired" but i just am. I have no energy for anything, I would rather stay home clean rather than even attempt to get the kids in the car and go to a bank or food drive thru. He wants to go out by ourselves and I want to stay home. I look at this house and think everyday how bad it looks and how I need to clean or do this and that but I just don't want to. I do clean it but it's not how I want it to look, it's not as clean as I want it. I feel like I'm a failure cleaning it. I feel like I'm a failure to Dave. Pretty much worthless I suppose which is always where the screwing around would come in. Don't think badly of him but most guys would like a nice dinner prepared when they come home from work and I want to but I can't even plan dinner or set out meat ahead of time. I'm constantly forgetting everything. I hear "but mommy you said......." sooooooo many times in a week. You have no idea how this kills me that I'm not keeping up with the kids and I'm letting them down. I feel like I let down Sophia because I'm supplementing her now. I can't sleep anymore at all. The past 3 nights have been horrible. Last night I must have been waking every 10-20 minutes looking at the clock and laying back down. Then here I am today, doing ok not many tears for the most part but having this awful neck pain again. There's so much more after looking into depression I didn't realize what I was experiencing could be what it was. Weight gain since having Sophia, stomach aches, my neck killing me, headaches, lashing out, and of course the problems in the bedroom which I discussed a few weeks back. It seems I have everything wrong except killing myself or someone. lol Ugh, what a mess.

Anyways so that's where I'm at and we'll see where this appointment leads me, and Dave because I think I'm dragging him along for the ride.

Spring Is In The Air....Already!

The weather we've been having here in Kansas for February has been awesome. We've had some rain and lots of sun, temperatures in the 60's! Therefore because of the weather, I have a ton of projects going on in my head. This year's garden being number one. I can't wait to start pumpkins again this year!!! I would like to start chickens this year but we'll see. My farm boy father laughs at all my self-sustaining ideas but he knows I usually always follow through with what I say I'm going to do!

Anyways I was a bit shocked the other day when my husband suggested since it's been nice out that we take the kids out to a farm nearby who homes around 80 + rescued Arabian horses and see about adopting. He personally knows this lady through work and she has invited us to come look, he's been there, but the rest of us haven't. Dave knows how much I've been wanting another but he's always wanted to wait so for him to just bring it up out of the blue kinda blew me away! I'm so excited! She has a broke 8 year old that sounds perfect for Alex and 4 H. Hopefully we will be able to go this Saturday. His suggestion this past weekend was on Sunday which is church and our small group that evening so we didn't go. I know Echo will be so excited to have a friend other than 3 loud barking dogs.

Another One Joins The Bunch

Well Dominic had his follow up on his eye exam yesterday. At his first visit his eyes when scanned showed a swollen right eye. 3 weeks later it's still swollen but our Dr could do the eye exam this time. Apparently when one eye gets weak it crosses which was the problem I initially took him in for. However to correct the weak eye he has to have glasses, strong prescription I guess on that side. Anyone have experience with this?

Last night trying on glasses I couldn't help but laughing. He's so darn cute but it's funny seeing our kids wearing glasses. He was super excited about getting a case for his glasses. Picked out a red one with a dragon on it.

4 years ago.....

This blog was created. Honestly I never thought I'd still be blogging this long. This blog has changed quite a bit from what it was. In the beginning was a Mom who muddled through day by day feeling lonely, sad about everything but her sweet loving kids. Now I'm not even sure what it is except another mom blog but I'm much happier with things. I think the stress of daycare was really getting to me and even though we've lost money from me not working at all, the past 2 years since I quit have been awesome. I've had more time with my kids, more time with friends. I've grown 3 babies on this blog, I've blogged my journey of diagnosing Dominic, I've blogged my highs and lows of everything. I've shared probably more than I should have!

I appreciate everyone hanging out for the ride and helping me get through each day!!

"I Neeeeed Help!! Speaka de English?!?!"

I feel like screaming this at my husband on a daily basis. I need some help girls, I don't know how or what but sisterly help would be appreciated. I feel so terrible this morning. Last night after watching some hot and heavy action on Nip Tuck, we made our way to bed. Like everynight (yes every night) he asked if we would be able to do anything in which I told him like 99% of the time, "I'm really tired." We cuddled up, he tried soooo hard kissing my neck and rubbing my back, it felt great......and like always.... I fell asleep. He tries and tries and tries and I go to sleep everytime. I feel so bad for him. It's to a point where he doesn't want to try anymore because he just knows. We used to do the deed 4-5 times a week, now we're lucky if it's 1. This morning before he left for work he asked for his kiss and I gave him a huge hug and told him how sorry I was in which he told me "don't worry about it, it's ok." I don't think it is at all. I feel like I'm failing him. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't have the energy to. He used to get so upset about this a few kids back. To a point where he'd go sleep on the couch. I think now he's just realizing it's not going to change and pouting does nothing. What do I do?!?! Don't suggest Mountain Dew right before bed because I have tried tons of caffeine and it doesn't help at all. Sadly the best (and most ackward) time we have sex now is on a Sunday morning before church while the kids are screaming and running around in the front room.

A Bad Economy Does Not Halt Girl Scout Cookie Buyers!

Well 10 days later, we still have stomach flu here. After this is all said and done I plan on calling contractors. Here's an equation for ya.

7 in a family + 1 bad stomach bug+ 1 bathroom= A Huge Flippin' Nightmare.

So during all this craziness around here and also being a Girl Scout leader, I was running our cookie sale. I just turned in my order today. 1500 boxes on our inital order but we'll sell more after they come in. Last year total we sold 1728. This is a picture of PART of my garage last year. It was insane!!This is great news for our girls! I have some exciting ideas and hopefully they will agree. I have to plan before telling though. You can not tell a bunch of kids something and not follow through, but since they don't read here..... here's one thing that I'd like to do with them. :) Horseback riding. :) I did open my mouth when Alex was around when I was talking to Daddy about this and she had a smile going from ear to ear. I know the other girls would love this and I've got a place to take them however here's the issue. Dave went there to do a job once, when he arrived and was talking to the owner's wife (most likely) she was talking about "your kind" (meaning Mexican) even referring that they all look the same. Did not fly well with him and well since he is Mexican and Italian. I guess you could say she sounded a little racist. This happened a few years back but anyways he'd rather not do business with this place. What would you suggest in this situation??

I gave them paper at our last meeting and asked them to write things they thought would be fun to do with their friends with their cookie money but they listed things we've done before. Skating, swimming, cooking, oh and their favorite thing last year I did with them....taking them to the mall shopping for Webkinz. Oh they want to do that one again soooo badly. lol So imagine if you were a Daisy, Brownie, Junior Girl Scout leader what would you do with a troop of 15 sweet little girls? Also would you do business at the ranch even though hubby says no way?

Sophia....Growing up too fast.

I can't believe she'll be 4 months old in a few weeks! I think I'm ready to start trying for #6. lol!! No, not quite yet really but it is on my mind.......